


I Don't Look Like Me No More

by Kirazalea



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Age Difference, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Birthday, Body Image, Communication Failure, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dorks in Love, Eating Disorders, Fainting, Fluff and Humor, Kissing, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Recovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Time Skips, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unreliable Narrator, a shit load of kissing, everyone that's not shane and ryan are barely there tbh, not a huge plot point but still there, not really but that's the best way of putting it i guess, that gets fixed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-08-19 10:30:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20208280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kirazalea/pseuds/Kirazalea
Summary: Ryan loved living with Shane. He loved coming home with him and relaxing, knowing that at the end of the night, he would fall asleep in the arms of the man he loved. He loved spending time with Shane, laughing at shows through the food they had had delivered to their apartment.He just didn't love what his new routine was doing to his body.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BergaraHoe (flannelfeelings)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flannelfeelings/gifts).

> before this starts, i just want to say that in no way is this meant to assume anything about ryan or shane. i wrote this for a friend to help her with something she struggled with so that she could see herself in people that she loved, and i'm sharing it here for those same reasons, but i don't mean to imply in any way that i think this is reality or that ryan has ever struggled with something like this.  
also, as someone who's never personally dealt with an ed, i know there are probably parts of this that i didn't portray correctly or in a way that handled the matter correctly, so please please please point out anything that's wrong or ignorant and i'll do my best to fix it 
> 
> also, as always, let me know if you see any mistakes, and thank you to lexie and mel for reading through this and helping me with it. love you both
> 
> title from cringe by matt maeson because i was listening to the acoustic version of that song for a decent chunk of the time i was writing this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a quick note about characterization:  
my brother has been really conscious of his weight in the past few months, but he and his girlfriend have both been doing really well with a simpler diet that they’re happy with. because of that influence, and the fact that i’ve never seriously dated anyone and have no fucking clue how to relationship, a lot of the interaction between the boyos here is inspired by the dynamic i've seen between those two in my own life, so if it seems out of character, that’s probably why

Ryan couldn’t keep the smile off his face as he posted the picture of him and Shane to his Instagram. The sight of his boyfriend grinning at him through the camera made him feel warm. 

He was still sad about Brent leaving, but finishing out the season with his boyfriend at his side had been great and Ryan couldn’t have asked for a better second beginning. He was excited to keep going on the new season with Shane and wanted people to know it.

The picture went through, adding to the multitude of Shane that was already on his profile. Ryan closed his phone and leaned further into his partner’s side, snuggling in close under the man’s arm. The two were laying reclined on their couch, watching Boston Legal. 

Shane had already gotten him to watch the original Star Trek while they were still living semi-separately, and Ryan had loved it more than he’d thought he would. As a result, once he had finally moved in and they finished the old movies, Shane had suggested the comedy as a change of pace and a way for Ryan to get more Shatner content before they started in on Babylon 5, which Shane promised offered the amazing talent of Walter Koenig. 

Living with Shane, _ being _ with Shane, was a lot different than what Ryan was used to. He was a frat boy, through and through, and had been living with fellow frat boys before he’d moved in with Shane, so the more relaxed atmosphere was a breath of fresh air. The Illinois native was the polar opposite of Ryan’s old roommates and the change in pace had taken Ryan off guard a little at first. 

Back when they were new interns, Shane had been an oddity in Ryan’s world. Fresh out of college and feeling almost _ lost _in the extremely varied crowd that is Buzzfeed, Shane had stood out to Ryan for more than just his height. Ryan had hung out with pretty much the same group of sports-loving dudes all throughout school, so he had expected to befriend coworkers that fit into that category when he started at his new job.

Shane had decidedly _ not _met Ryan’s expectations. 

Not that either of them had cared.

Their first day sat next to each other, Ryan had tried to start a conversation on basketball, only to find that the extremely attractive giant next to him had no interest in the sport, or any other, for that matter. Ryan had quietly floundered for a moment before asking Shane about film, and it had taken off from there. 

Coming to work and being with nerd-ass Madej was jarringly different from his home life, which consisted of beer pong, watching sports, and loud noises every other minute. That was what Ryan was used to and enjoyed, but he found that being around Shane, who was quieter with a sharp wit and a far different take on life, was just as pleasant. He began to dislike leaving the other man’s company after work and, after _ months _debating it back and forth in his head, had finally taken the leap to ask if Shane wanted to hang out one night as they were leaving the building. Shane had agreed with a grin and the two had gone to a nearby bar that was usually less crowded, even on Friday nights. Ryan had skipped out on a trip to a nearby basketball court with his roommates to do so, but he hadn’t much cared.

It was at that bar that Ryan first realized that Shane was nearly five years older than him.

While Ryan had known that Shane had been out of college longer than him, he hadn’t expected _ that_. When the realization had come to him, Ryan had felt almost _ embarrassed_. He’d mentioned his roommates and their escapades to Shane multiple times over the course of their relationship and Shane had always chuckled. Now Ryan wondered if Shane was laughing _ at _ him instead of _ with _ him and was merely humoring him by coming out tonight. 

Shane had noticed the dip in his mood fairly quickly and called him out on it. Panicking, Ryan had told him the truth, too nervous and slightly drunk to come up with a convincing lie, and Shane had laughed it off. He’d assured Ryan that if he didn’t want to be there, he wouldn’t be. 

Ryan had still been nervous for some time after that, but the first time he went over to Shane’s apartment (that he had _ to himself, _ with _ zero _ roommates) had helped him get over that. It was one thing to go out with a coworker to a bar, another thing entirely to invite them into your home.

Shane’s apartment was a lot calmer and cleaner than Ryan’s (big surprise there). It had been a welcome change for Ryan, though not one he had known he needed. Sitting on the couch with take out while watching Top Gun was the first time Ryan had known that he wanted Shane in his life as more than just a friend. Sure, he’d been attracted to Shane from day one, but the almost _ domestic _feeling he had in those moments had shocked him with how much he wanted it. 

A few months later, Ryan and Shane were nearly inseparable, and Ryan had asked if Shane wanted to stay as his desk partner when their internship ended. A couple _ years _ later and Ryan had finally worked up the courage to ask Shane out on a _ real _date. A month ago, Ryan had moved in with Shane and asked him to fully be on Unsolved with him moving forward. Shane had said yes every time with that small grin on his face he always got whenever he thought Ryan was being cute.

Ryan would die before admitting to Shane how much he loved that grin.

Even though Ryan had only _ officially _ moved in a month ago, he had been spending most of his time here for a while now. Time that he used to spend out playing soccer or basketball was instead spent with Shane, laughing at a movie or out on the beach. Even though Shane brought up the sand quote from Star Wars every _ single _ time they went, Ryan knew he loved the beach, not having grown up near one. He always got this adorable wide eyed look when they sat and stared at the sunset as the water gently lapped over their toes.

Ryan still hung out with his roommates, and his other friends from Buzzfeed, of course. He hadn’t completely dropped everyone in his life for Shane, but he definitely spent a majority of his time with the taller man. His Instagram was full of moments between the two of them and their friends, much like the one he had just posted. The picture of the two of them at dinner with Brent was one that Ryan loved, so of course he had posted it the second they got settled at home.

Shane’s arm tightened around him in a half hug as Ryan set his phone down on his chest. Ryan tilted his head back to look at Shane with a quizzical grin. “Can I help you?” he asked.

Shane huffed out a small laugh, his eyes crinkling happily as he placed a kiss on Ryan’s head. “Just checking to see if you were actually watching the show,” he teased.

“Of _ course _ I am,” Ryan exclaimed, pretending to be offended. “Denny made a sex doll of his co-partner, how could I miss _ that?” _

Shane’s head fell back against the couch as he laughed. “Glad to see you’re following the plot so well.”

“It is rather _ gripping_,” Ryan said, his hand traveling from his lap to lightly squeeze Shane’s thigh next to him.

Shane’s only reaction was his smile tipping more toward a smirk as he shuffled down on the couch so that his legs were fully spread on either side of Ryan. Ryan made himself comfortable in the space between Shane’s legs, leaning back against his broad chest. Shane’s arms came around to hug him closer as they continued watching the episode.

Ryan felt at peace as he lay in his boyfriend’s embrace.

* * *

One of Ryan’s favorite parts of his job was getting to be on YouTube at work and not get yelled at for slacking. Technically, he _ was _ doing his job by being there.

He had to muffle his laugh as he read a comment connecting DB Cooper and Prison Break. He nudged Shane next to him to get his attention.

“Check this one out,” he said when Shane looked over at him. Shane didn’t laugh, but his mouth pressed together like he was holding one back and his eyes were warm when he looked back at Ryan.

“They’ve got a point you know,” he said nonchalantly as he leaned back in his chair. 

Ryan rolled his eyes, smiling softly. “You _ would _ say that,” he mumbled.

“That’s because I have a _ brain_, Ryan,” he shot back, straightening up and returning to the document on his computer. They had been officially confirmed for a season of Unsolved: Supernatural a few weeks back and Shane had yet to let Ryan live it down.

“Just because I believe in ghosts and demons doesn’t mean I don’t have a _ brain_,” Ryan argued, the familiar quarrel starting up again.

“Sure thing buddy,” Shane said consolingly, not taking his eyes off the screen.

Ryan scoffed and shook his head, returning to the comment section as he fought to keep the smile off his face. 

A few scrolls and a legitimate theory later found Ryan staring at a comment that made his brow furrow. 

_ They make fun of Cooper fucking up the landing when they’re probably not even strong enough to be able to pull the shoot _

Ryan thought that was rather uncalled for and mildly pointless, but he continued scrolling. Eventually, he tired of sludging through and found a lot of repetitive ones, so he closed out the tab and brought up his research on the Lizzie Borden case, figuring he should probably get back to upcoming episodes, rather than the ones they had already filmed.

The rest of the day passed in a blur as Ryan tried to sort through all of the theories people were attempting to use to explain the murder. Eventually, he felt something bump his foot under the table and jumped, heart pounding at the sudden intrusion. 

Next to him, Shane had a hand against his mouth, laughing loudly.

Ryan grabbed his hoodie off of the back of the chair and hit Shane with the sleeve. “You piece of _ shit_, Shane,” he said hoarsely.

Shane tried to apologize, but couldn’t quite get it out between his gasping laughter. He raised his arms to cover his face as Ryan hit him one last time. “I’m sorry,” he said, grinning at Ryan through his arms. “I really didn’t think it would startle you like that.” 

“You’re an ass,” Ryan claimed, burying his head in his hands as he propped his elbows against the desk. Ryan felt a hand come up to rest on his shoulder.

“Are you alright?” Shane asked, humor still in his voice.

“No thanks to _ you_,” Ryan mumbled against his palms.

Shane squeezed Ryan’s shoulder briefly. “I was just gonna let you know that we can head out any time you’re ready.”

Ryan peaked through his fingers to look at the clock and, sure enough, it was time for them to leave. “Not sure I _ want _ to go anywhere with _ you_,” Ryan grumbled, making sure his work was saved before shutting down the computer.

“Yeah, yeah,” Shane said, rolling his eyes. “Shut up and come on, I’ll buy dinner.”

“Well,” Ryan said, perking up. “When you put it _ that _ way…”

Shane’s laugh made Ryan’s heart rate pick up again, but for a reason that Ryan was much more okay with.

* * *

One evening of sitting on the couch eating Taco Bell and watching Boston Legal later found Ryan curled up in Shane’s arms on their bed. Shane was already asleep, and Ryan was almost there with him, but something kept nagging at him every time he tried to slip away from consciousness.

_ probably not even strong enough to pull the shoot… _

Ryan glanced down at his boyfriend’s arms around him. Shane might not win any weight lifting competitions, but even in sleep, Ryan could feel the strength behind those arms. His own, by comparison, were pretty skinny; _ weak_. He could barely even bring himself to make a fist with the lethargy running through his veins. 

_ ...you’re so skinny, dude… _

_ ...Ryan, we all know you’re the smallest one of the group… _

_ …are you sure you can throw it far enough?… _

Ryan buried his face further into the pillow, closing his eyes tightly. He wasn’t going to relapse again.

He _ wasn’t_.


	2. Chapter 2

It took him a few days, but eventually Ryan was able to move past the spiral that threatened to drag him down. Shane had been concerned by Ryan’s more reserved behavior, but he hadn’t pushed on the matter once Ryan told him he just needed a couple days to figure something out. Sure enough, Ryan had been more or less back to himself by the end of the week, though he _ did _ eat a little bit less than he normally would have when they went out for dinner. 

* * *

Ryan had been good for a few weeks now. He hadn’t looked too closely at the comments again and he’d been fine with eating, locking everything back away in a corner of his mind where he wouldn’t think about it too often. They had filmed more episodes and aired two of them, including Ryan’s demon sacrifice, which was now thankfully out of the way. 

He hadn’t meant to, but it had been long enough that the details of his last near lapse had blurred a bit in his mind, the whole thing combining into a mess that he didn’t want to remember. So when Ryan found himself once more scrolling through the comments on the Bigfoot video, he thought nothing of it. 

He found a couple calling Shane out for being part Foot, as they had known would happen when they filmed. Shane was great about it, taking it all in stride and playing it up for show. Ryan sometimes wished he could be as put together as his partner, but half of the appeal of the show was Ryan being a mess every time he heard a noise, so he guessed it was fine.

As his eyes landed on the next comment, he felt a low turning in his gut.

_ It’s a good thing these nerds didn’t actually find Bigfoot because their scrawny asses would’ve been so fucked if they had. Bigfoot might have recognized Shane as kin, but Ryan would definitely be a goner _

Ryan swallowed, listlessly closing out of the tab. He pulled his notes back up, trying to force himself into getting lost in the details of Mary Reeser’s case, but that sick feeling in his gut wouldn’t go away, no matter how hard he tried to distract himself. He could barely force himself to type because that put his arms in his peripheral vision. Every time he caught his gaze drifting down to his biceps, he resolutely turned his eyes back to the screen. After a half an hour of almost no progress, he pushed himself back from the desk and stood up.

Shane turned at the sudden movement, frowning at the Ryan as he looked up at him. “Just heading to the bathroom,” Ryan said quietly, shooting Shane a quick smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

He escaped to the nearest bathroom as fast as he could, relieved to find it empty. It was an odd hour of the morning and most people were usually tied to their desks at this point, just waiting for lunch to come around, so Ryan had been hoping that he wouldn’t meet anyone in here.

He walked up to one of the sinks as the door quietly closed behind him, lifting his eyes to reluctantly meet his own gaze in the mirror. He took in every detail as he leaned a little closer. His hands, resting against the countertop; his arms, thin and weak beneath his sleeves; the way his stomach pushed out against the fabric of his shirt. He sucked his gut in, flexed his arms as he tightened his grip. It did nothing to help; Ryan still saw the repulsive figure looking back at him. 

He pushed himself back, turning away from the mirror to hide from the way his eyes were reddening against his will. He heard voices outside the door and quickly darted into a stall, shutting the door and locking it. They passed the bathroom without entering and Ryan slumped, standing in the middle of the stall. He internally scoffed at himself. Here he was, cowering in an empty bathroom when he should be at his desk, working on the thing he’s wanted his entire career.

After taking in a few deep breaths and making sure that no one was coming in, Ryan opened the stall door and walked out. He very quickly wet his hands down and dried them off on his way out. Even if he hadn’t _ actually _ used the restroom, it felt wrong to just leave.

He steeled himself as he walked toward the door.

He very pointedly did _ not _ look at his reflection again.

* * *

“So. What do you want for dinner?” Shane asked absently as they both settled in on the couch.

Ryan glanced up at his boyfriend before swallowing returning his gaze to the corner of the room. “You can order whatever, I’m not actually super hungry,” Ryan fibbed.

“You feeling okay?” Shane joked. Ryan felt the words cut into him like a knife.

“Yeah,” he breathed out, putting a smile on his face. “You saw how many burritos there were at lunch, I’m surprised _ you _ still have room,” Ryan countered. He had barely forced his way through half of one, but Shane didn’t need to know that. He felt guilty enough as it was, he didn’t need Shane weighing in on it too.

“There _ were _ quite a few burritos,” Shane agreed fondly. “Alright, if you’re _ sure _you’re not hungry?” Shane edged.

“There’s some stuff in the fridge if I change my mind later,” Ryan pointed out. Not that he was going to touch any of it.

Shane gave him a small smile. “Sounds like a plan.” He left a light peck on Ryan’s lips before pulling up the app on his phone. Ryan curled up on the other end of the couch, getting lost in his thoughts as Shane quietly hummed.

_ I’m not scrawny, am I? _ he thought. His eyes fell onto his arms as they lay folded over his knees and he looked away again. His skin felt like it was crawling as the position he was sitting in forced him to feel the way his stomach stuck out over the band of his underwear. 

Great. Not only was he scrawny and pathetic, he was _ pudgy_.

“You need me to rub your stomach for you?” Shane teased, though there was a genuine note of concern in his voice.

“No!” Ryan yelped, pushing further against the arm of the couch as he turned wide eyed to Shane. He couldn’t stand the thought of Shane feeling the fat on his stomach and being as disgusted with him as Ryan himself was.

“Relax,” Shane laughed. “I’m not gonna tickle you, scout’s honor,” he said, raising his right hand solemnly.

Ryan forced down the sickening roil in his gut and let out a nervous laugh. “Like I’m gonna trust _ that_,” he said, only a slight waver in his voice.

Shane’s hand went to his chest as he gasped in theatrically. “You don’t… _ trust _ me, Ryan? Oh, the _ betrayal_,” he wailed, listing sideways to lean his head on Ryan’s arm. Ryan’s hand shook as he brought the arm up around Shane’s shoulders.

“How could I trust someone that doesn’t believe in _ ghosts_?” Ryan begged in return, carrying on Shane’s theme of drama.

“Those are the ones you _ do _ trust, you fool,” Shane argued, flicking Ryan’s leg lightly before standing up. “I’m gonna hop in the shower really fast, you mind grabbing the food if I’m not out in time?”

“Sure,” Ryan said quietly, smiling obediently up at where Shane towered over him. Shane smiled back, bright as the sun, and leaned in, placing a kiss to Ryan’s hair and ruffling it on his way out of the room. 

As soon as Shane was gone, the bathroom door closing, Ryan let the breath he’d been holding out and slumped into the couch. His hands came up to cover his eyes as he let out a muted groan. 

That was far too close for Ryan’s taste. He knew that Shane loved him, that he probably wouldn’t dump Ryan just for the way he looked, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t be revolted by what he found if Ryan were to let his guard down.

As he lay motionless on the couch, he started planning. By the time a knock on the door sounded throughout the apartment, Ryan knew what he needed to do to make sure that Shane never found out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another shorter chapter, but it’ll pick up eventually
> 
> no one’s ever accused me of having decent pacing


	3. Chapter 3

“I’m going to start working out again,” Ryan said over an early dinner Saturday night. Shane looked up from his phone to stare at Ryan across the table from him. 

“Okay,” he agreed easily. Then, with slightly more trepidation, “Do you… want me to come with you?”

The thought of Shane seeing Ryan working out as he was made his stomach turn more than the sight of the food had earlier. “No,” he said quickly, “I wouldn’t subject you to that,” he joked.

Shane let out an exaggerated sigh of relief. Ryan picked up a piece of bacon from his plate and threw it at Shane. “It’s not _ that _ bad, you heathen,” he insisted. Shane stared at him with his eyebrow raised for a moment before picking up the bacon from where it had landed on his own plate, taking a bite. Ryan rolled his eyes. “You know, I used to work out all the time before I met you,” Ryan pointed out.

“I’m so sorry to have saved you from that horrible fate,” Shane said in a flat tone, shoving the rest of the bacon into his mouth after he had finished speaking.

“You’re horrible,” Ryan said fondly, standing up.

“Aren’t you going to finish eating?” Shane asked as Ryan turned away.

“Nah,” Ryan said lightly. “If I eat too much before I work out, it’s all just gonna come back up in a not-so-pleasant way.”

Ryan still had his back to Shane as he looked through the cupboards for his water bottle, but he could tell Shane was frowning. “Are you sure you don’t wanna grab a couple more bites? Looks like you barely touched anything.”

Ryan reached up on his toes to grab the bottle. After closing the cupboard doors again, he walked over to Shane and leaned down to kiss him. “I’m sure,” he whispered against Shane’s lips. After stealing another short kiss, he began walking toward the bedroom. “I’ve got experience with this, remember?” he called over his shoulder.

A few minutes later, he was changed, packed, and ready to leave. Shane was hovering near the door, a frown on his face and his arms crossed. As Ryan entered the room, he saw Shane’s arms drop to his sides and his face smooth out. Ryan smiled at him and pecked his cheek as he walked past. 

“Have fun,” Shane said as Ryan was closing the door.

“You too,” Ryan replied, smile softening as he let his gaze linger on Shane’s tall form. 

“Love you,” Shane whispered.

Ryan’s smile grew. “Love you too big guy.”

He closed the door finally, and leaned against it for a moment, reveling in his brief moment of happiness. Then, he pushed off of the door and started on his way to the car.

* * *

An hour later, Ryan was finishing up his workout. He wiped the sweat from his brow to make sure it wouldn’t run down into his eyes as he finished stretching. He took a gulp from his water bottle as he finally sat down. 

That had taken more out of him than he was used to. He hadn’t been that short on breath during a workout since high school. Ryan had known that he had been slacking off a little ever since he met Shane, but he hadn’t realized the extent of it. He was glad he hadn’t been able to play a game of basketball with his friends in a while, because he was pretty sure they would’ve wiped the floor with him in the shape he was in. And they wouldn’t let him live it down.

As he was sitting there, off to the side, he saw someone walk over to him. It was a woman that had been working out in the same space as him most of the night. When he had come over to where she was earlier, she had merely nodded at him and gone back to focusing on her own routine, and that had been the extent of the two’s interaction. Now, it looked like they were both done.

“Feel free to tell me to fuck off if this is weird,” she started, sitting down on the opposite side of the bench from Ryan, “but I thought I’d tell you you did really well.”

Ryan offered her a tentative smile. “Thanks,” he replied, “you too.”

She smiled back at him before turning forward, meeting his eyes in the mirror across the room. “Do you usually come to this gym?” she asked. “I haven’t seen you around before.” She paused for a moment before letting out a quiet laugh. “Not that I’m policing or anything, and I _ definitely _don’t notice everything.”

Ryan let out a laugh that was only a little bit awkward. “No, I…” he trailed off for a moment, “I haven’t been out in a while, so you definitely haven’t seen me here.”

“Really?” she asked, sounding surprised.

“Really… what?” Ryan asked.

“You haven’t gone to the gym in a while?” she clarified. “Did you do, like, a private thing or do it at home?”

“No,” Ryan mumbled. “I, uh. I haven’t worked out at _ all _in a couple months, actually.” He could feel the heat in his cheeks at the admission.

“Really?” she said again, sounding more surprised than the first time.

“Really really,” Ryan confirmed, not meeting her eyes.

“Wow. Well, you definitely don’t _ seem _ like it. I haven’t seen someone able go that hard for that long in a while,” she offered, giving an encouraging smile when Ryan looked up again. 

He returned it hesitantly. “Thanks.” After a brief pause, Ryan held out his hand. “I’m Ryan, by the way.”

“Winter,” she replied, taking Ryan’s offered hand.

Ryan felt his lips tick up a little, which it seemed Winter noticed. “Yeah, yeah, my name is Winter and I live in LA, I know,” she said, sounding exasperated. The smile on her face assured Ryan that she wasn’t actually annoyed, however.

Ryan held his hands up defensively. “Hey, you said it, not me.”

She let out a laugh. After a beat of silence, in which Ryan took another measured drink from his bottle, Winter turned a little more toward him.

“What would say to you and me heading out of here and getting to know each other a little bit better? Drinks maybe?”

Ryan blinked in shock. He hadn’t known what he expected her to say, but that _ definitely _ wasn’t it. “I, uh,” he stuttered. “I mean I’m flattered, but I’m actually seeing someone.”

Winter’s eyebrows raised slightly at the words, but soon her face became open and friendly again. “Makes sense,” she said with a slight smile. “Someone like you was bound to have been caught already.”

Ryan didn’t know what to say to that, but before he could even open his mouth, she patted the seat between them and stood up. “Well,” she started, humor lacing her voice. “I guess I’ll try to keep my ogling to a minimum, then. Have a good night Ryan.” With a short wave, she turned and walked away, toward the women’s locker room.

Ryan sat there, stunned, for a moment, before collecting his things and heading out. He drove with the windows down to air out the car, since he’d forgone a shower at the gym. Hopefully Shane wouldn’t be _ too _ put off by the smell before Ryan had a chance to get cleaned up.

* * *

It was dark by the time Ryan walked through the door into the living room. He was greeted by the sight of Shane leaning forward in one of their chairs, his laptop set up on the coffee table. Shane looked up at the sound of the door opening and smiled at Ryan before returning to his work.

“Hey,” Ryan said as he shut the door behind him. 

“Hey,” Shane replied. “How was your workout?” he asked.

“Good,” Ryan said. “I smell like a sewer now, though,” he added.

“Yeah, I’m aware,” Shane said dryly, though he was still smiling. He leaned back in the chair, his eyes following Ryan as he walked into the kitchen.

“Hungry now?” Shane asked absently, humor lacing his tone.

Ryan _ was _ kind of hungry, actually, but the thought of eating anything made him feel nauseous. “Nah, I grabbed something on the way back,” he lied. “I was _ just _ this side of ravenous when I finished.” Ryan spotted a granola bar on the counter and grabbed that, figuring he should at least try to eat _ something _ so that his stomach wouldn’t growl all night. 

“I’m gonna shower,” Ryan yelled as he moved down the hall.

“Alright,” Shane replied, not moving from the living room.

Ryan grabbed a towel and walked into the bathroom, quietly shutting the door. He hesitated for a moment before locking it as well.

Ryan hadn’t locked the bathroom door in a long time, not unless they had guests over. He and Shane had both agreed that, for the most part, there was no point. It’s not like there was anything the other hadn’t already seen and, overall, it was just easier to leave it unlocked in case the other needed to grab something from the cabinets, like the first aid kit. They didn’t make a habit of it by any means, it was just something that was _ there_. But the thought of Shane coming in while Ryan was naked, no clothing to distract from how Ryan looked, left him feeling unsettled and panicky. 

Ryan opened the granola bar and got through about half of it before he felt sick again, so he wrapped up the rest in a wad of toilet paper and threw it in the garbage. He stripped and avoided the mirror as the water turned on, steam filling up the enclosed space almost as soon as Ryan stepped beneath the spray. He showered as quickly as he could, not wanting to use a ton of water and not wanting to see and feel his body any longer than he had to.

As he toweled off, he couldn’t help but look at his form in the fogged up mirror. Thankfully he couldn’t see any details, but even with the less than stellar reflection, his heart dropped. Ryan knew that a single workout wasn’t enough to undo all of the damage he’d done recently, but he’d still hoped that maybe _ something _ would look a little different. He reached out and swiped some of the built up moisture away, his slightly distorted face staring back at him. He stared for another long moment before turning away.

He gripped his towel tight around his waist as he opened the door and walked into the bedroom, pulling on his underwear as soon as the door was closed behind him. He had just pulled on his sweats when there was a small knock. Ryan quickly grabbed the closest shirt he could find and threw it on as Shane opened the door. 

“Hey, what do you think about-” Shane cut himself off and stared quizzically at Ryan, not saying anything, Ryan could feel his heart beating hard against his chest.

“Is that my shirt?” Shane asked, voice sounding adorably confused.

Ryan’s eyes flicked down to see that it was, indeed, Shane’s shirt. Which Ryan probably should have guessed already, considering the way it fit him.

“Maybe,” Ryan said shiftily. 

“Why is it on backwards? And inside out?”

Ryan tilted his down to see the tag printed on the shirt resting against his sternum.

“It’s a fashion statement,” Ryan claimed.

Shane let out an amused snort. “Is this some sports thing I don’t understand?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Ryan replied cryptically, standing up from the bed to pick his towel up from where he had dropped it on the floor. No need for Shane to think he was a slob on top of everything else.

Shane rolled his eyes at Ryan’s antics. “Alright, Bergara, come take a look at this if you’re done being a model.”

Ryan knew Shane wasn’t insulting him, but he couldn’t help but feel something ugly curl up in his chest at the way Shane had phrased that. He _ definitely _ didn’t look like a model, and he was _ positive _Shane didn’t see him that way either. 

How could he?

Ryan followed Shane into the living room, standing at Shane’s side as the older man sat back down in the chair. Ryan was about to ask what Shane was wondering about when he felt arms encircle his waist and tug him off his feet. With a puff of air leaving his lungs, he found himself in Shane’s lap, limbs sprawled in an attempt to find some sort of balance. Shane rested his head on Ryan’s shoulder, trapping him in his embrace.

“So I just got this email…” 

Ryan faintly heard Shane speaking, and he could make out most of the words, but nothing was really connecting. He was too focused on holding himself up so that all of his weight wasn’t resting on Shane; making sure his gut stayed sucked in so that Shane wouldn’t feel it with the way his arms were loosely around his waist; trying not to tense up too much, knowing that Shane would feel it, pressed up against Ryan as he was. 

“So. What do you think?” Shane concluded, turning his head to look at Ryan.

Ryan blinked, trying to recall any of the information Shane had told him while still focusing on his position.

“What?” he finally asked.

Shane looked amused, if not a little confused. “You alright there, ghost boy?”

“Yeah, I just, um… I guess I’m a little more tired than I thought I was.” Ryan didn’t mean for it to sound like a question, but he was pretty sure that’s what it ended up being.

Shane huffed out a laugh against Ryan’s neck, causing Ryan to squirm against the ticklish feeling. “That’s what you get for working out,” he declared with a small smile against Ryan’s skin. “Speaking of, I meant to ask earlier: what’s with the sudden health kick? I’m not against it or anything, just wondering what brought it on. It seemed a little out of the blue when you brought it up.”

Ryan’s mind very briefly blanked in panic, his mind wiped clean like a soft reboot. “I just… realized that I hadn’t been in a while and figured I’d get back into the habit,” Ryan stumbled out. 

“Oh,” Shane replied. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to keep you from it,” he said sheepishly, one of his hands leaving Ryan’s waist to rub the back of his neck. Part of Ryan was relieved that less of Shane was touching his stomach, brushing against his thin arms, but the rest of him felt guilty that Shane was blaming himself.

“Hey, it’s not your fault,” Ryan insisted, gently sliding off of Shane’s lap. He internally let out a sigh of relief at the lack of contact with his body, but grabbed Shane's hands in his as he knelt on the floor. “I chose to spend time with you instead of going as often as I used to and I _ don’t _ regret any of the time I spent with you instead,” he stated. Ryan was mad at _ himself _for letting his body get this bad, but he would never regret a single second he was in Shane’s presence. 

Shane smiled down at Ryan and squeezed Ryan’s hands in his. “Still, I’m sorry I kept you from going. I’ll try to leave a little more room for you to fit it into your schedule.”

Ryan brought Shane’s hand up and pressed his lips to the back before standing up. “Thank you,” he said softly. “Love you.”

“Love you too, Bergara. Now, why don’t _ you _ head to bed and _ I’ll _ finish this up here,” Shane said. “You look tired,” he added gently.

“Don’t you need my help with it?” Ryan asked, concerned.

Shane waved him off. “It’s really not that important, I can handle it.”

At Ryan’s hesitant look, Shane pushed him lightly in the direction of the bedroom. “_Go,_” he insisted. “I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

Ryan lingered a second more before heading for the bedroom. He stopped in the bathroom again to take his contacts out and brush his teeth. Normally Ryan would look in the mirror while he brushed, but tonight his eyes never raised from the sink.

As he walked back into the bedroom, taking his socks off and putting them on top of the towel in the hamper, Ryan grabbed a nearby blanket, holding it to his chest as he laid on the bed. 

Laying on the bed, nothing but the sound of the air conditioning running softly in the background, he began to panic again. 

Shane was a cuddler. It was something Ryan had always loved, though he would never admit it. He adored being held by Shane any time of the day, but falling asleep and waking up in those arms brought him a warm feeling that he missed any time they slept separately overnight for an episode. Ryan knew that tonight would be no different, that Shane would expect to hold Ryan close to him again. But the thought of being that close, with nowhere to hide, was terrifying. 

What would Shane say when he felt the flab of Ryan’s stomach? When his arm rested against the gangly length of Ryan’s arm? How long would it take before Shane finally gave into the urge not to touch Ryan any more? How many times would he force himself through it for Ryan’s sake before he was finally fed up?

The sound of Shane shuffling around in the living room made Ryan’s heart beat harder in his chest as the footsteps grew closer to the bedroom. Ryan clutched the blanket closer, hiding his front and draping part of the fabric over his arm.

Ryan watched in silence as Shane moved around the dark room quietly, changing into shorts and sitting down on the bed behind Ryan. 

“You still up, Ry?” Shane asked softly. Ryan thought about not answering, pretending he wasn’t awake, but he’d always been shit at that and figured that wouldn’t change now.

“Yeah, I’m up,” Ryan replied, just as quiet. He could feel the bed shift as Shane leaned in closer, hovering over Ryan. He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss right behind Ryan’s ear. Ryan’s heart picked up the pace once more; he couldn’t tell if it was due to excitement or dread.

As Shane began kissing his way down Ryan’s neck, a place he knew was sensitive for Ryan, Ryan couldn’t help the small noise of want that he made in response. The low chuckle that rumbled through Shane’s chest as it pressed against Ryan’s back made Ryan’s face heat up with pleasure. 

Shane brought his hand up to rest against Ryan’s shoulder, his thumb soothingly passing back and forth over the covered area as he laid down behind Ryan. Ryan clutched the blanket closer to his chest.

Shane leaned over him a little more, coaxing Ryan into turning his head toward Shane as he kissed across Ryan’s cheek. His lips finally connected with Ryan’s and the weight and feel of them made Ryan’s face flush even more. The movement of Shane’s slightly chapped lips against his was amazing and everything he wanted. Ryan turned onto his back, searching for more of the feeling. A tiny part of his brain was screaming, but the rest of him just wanted _ more_.

Shane didn’t disappoint, making the kiss deeper with the new angle. His tongue traced against the seam of Ryan’s lips and Ryan parted them, but Shane’s tongue retreated. His hand left Ryan’s shoulder and came up to cup Ryan’s face. His boyfriend’s nose brushed against his softly, a welcome contrast to the unfaltering force of the kiss. 

Ryan let out a shaky breath as Shane disconnected their lips, pressing open mouthed kisses instead to the corner of Ryan’s mouth as they both panted. His other hand landed on Ryan’s hip, making Ryan’s breath catch in his throat.

Shane seemingly mistook the noise he let out as encouragement and brought his lips back to Ryan’s, moving them against his in a way that made Ryan dizzy with want. His hand moved slowly from Ryan’s hip up to a strip of skin where his shirt had ridden up. As his fingers moved up beneath the shirt, drawing the fabric up further, Ryan panicked.

“No!” he stuttered out, jerking away from Shane abruptly. He clumsily bumped his head into Shane’s as he backed up, nearly knocking his boyfriend over from how suddenly he pulled away from his grasp

Shane caught himself from falling face first on the bed and turned to look at Ryan with wide eyes. “I- I’m sorry.” He stumbled over the words, sounding confused and worried but not moving any closer to Ryan.

“No, no.” Ryan was quick to cut Shane off, laughing nervously. “I’m just… just sore from the workout. Guess I’m a little more out of shape than I thought, huh?” He laughed again, hoping that Shane would take the words at face value.

Shane’s face was drawn up in concern, his eyebrows low over his eyes. “Yeah. Yeah, no, that’s totally fine,” he said, sounding a little strangled. Ryan thought he sounded like he was talking to a spooked animal.

“It’s fine Shane, I promise,” Ryan assured him, not liking the atmosphere he had unintentionally created. “I’m just… y’know, just not in the mood right now.”

“Yeah, of course,” Shane agreed quickly. He began shifting a little further away from Ryan, laying down carefully on his side of the bed. Ryan followed his example, clutching the blanket to his front once more as he laid down again. 

Shane didn’t touch him again that night. Ryan didn’t know if he was happy about it or not.


	4. Chapter 4

Ryan took a bite of his salad as the video finished loading, going out into the world. He’d taken his lunch late at his desk to go over the final edit a few more times, making absolutely sure that everything was as good as it was going to get. It was a small side salad and the flavor wasn’t great due to the limited amount of ingredients it included, but it was the only thing Ryan had had today besides some water, so he dug into it with fervor.

Shane was sitting next to him, eating one of the sandwiches from the break room. He had joined Ryan in putting off lunch, occupying himself instead with some of the stats they’d received for the Waverly Hills video from last Friday as Ryan stressed about the video for this week. 

“I’m sure they’ll love it,” Shane said in between bites.

Ryan lowered his fork from his mouth and smiled at Shane. For all of the worries he’d had about the video, he knew that Shane was right and he appreciated the reminder. “I’m sure they’ll love your repeated denial of the facts,” he said fondly.

“How _ dare _ you refer to _ Underwater Area 51 _ as ‘the facts,’” Shane replied in derision. Ryan laughed at how affronted Shane looked before Shane’s face softened into a smile.

“How’s the rabbit food?” Shane asked as he cleaned up the remnants of his lunch. 

Ryan scoffed. “Fine. How was the lunch meat? Edible?”

Shane smirked over at him. “Oh you know it, baby,” he joked lightly. “You’re really missing out.”

Ryan laughed again, feeling lighter than he had all day. “I’m sure I am,” he said dismissively. He took the last bite of the small salad, grabbing Shane’s mess and taking both to the garbage can in the corner. He returned to his desk, watching the influx of comments from people excited about the new content. He hid his smile in his hand and he observed the chaos of fans screaming and trying to get an early comment in.

Shane nudged his arm, drawing Ryan’s attention away from the screen. “Wanna go see Guardians 2 tonight to celebrate?” his boyfriend asked, leaning back in his chair.

Ryan couldn’t hide his surprise. “You got tickets?” he asked incredulously.

“You say that like it’s _ hard_,” Shane snorted, smirking as his hands came up to rest behind his head, the muscle in his arms nicely filling out the fabric of his pushed up sleeves. Ryan felt a low tug in his gut as he stared at the striking figure Shane cut, the urge to reach out and kiss him strong. Shane must have seen something on Ryan’s face, because he dropped his arms down again as a very light flush dusted his cheeks.

“So, what d’ya say, Bergara?” he asked. “You, me, and a bucket of popcorn tonight?”

Ryan felt a drop in his stomach that had nothing to do with how attractive Shane was. “I was actually going to the gym tonight,” Ryan admitted sheepishly, his gaze falling to the desk in front of him.

“Ryan, you go to the gym _ every _ night,” Shane pointed out. Ryan could hear the note of something else behind the joking tone Shane was using.

“Well,” Ryan tried, his hand coming up to rub against his bicep self-consciously, “consistency is key and all that.”

Shane sighed and Ryan looked up to see disappointment twist on Shane’s face as he looked away briefly. When he turned his head back, the look was gone.

“But, I can skip tonight,” Ryan offered, the words twisting his insides even as he said them.

“No, it’s alright,” Shane said, sounding resigned. “We can see it some other time when the theater’s not as crowded.” Then he smiled at Ryan. “Besides, I know TJ really wanted to see it too. I’m sure he can find room in his schedule for two free tickets.”

Ryan felt relief fight against guilt as he smiled back. “I’m sure he’ll be just fine.”

Shane patted the desk with finality before standing up. “Guess I better go find him,” he proclaimed, walking away in the direction of TJ’s office.

Ryan blew out a breath as soon as Shane was out of sight. He tipped backward in his chair, his hands coming up to cover his eyes as he sat there, stewing in his emotions.

He _ wanted _ to go with Shane. He _ wanted _ to have date night and watch the new Marvel movie with his boyfriend. But just the thought of all that _ popcorn _ and _ soda _ and _ sitting around _ made his stress skyrocket again. The thought of missing his workout didn’t help either. He _ finally _had some toning to his arms and torso, he couldn’t quit now and let it all go to waste again. 

Shane, the absolute _ fucker_, had a perfect body and never had to work for it, his damn metabolism picking up the slack even after the man had gracefully exited his twenties. 

Ryan didn’t have that luxury, and if he wanted to be anywhere _ near _Shane’s league, he had to make some sacrifices.

* * *

“Want some?” Shane asked, plopping back into his seat at their desk.

Ryan looked over to see Shane holding up a bag of burritos from Chipotle. They smelled fantastic, Ryan’s mouth nearly watering at the enticing aroma, but he turned away from them. They were filming their first official Q and A episode in a couple hours, and Ryan had a feeling his stomach wouldn’t agree with so much unhealthy food in addition to the stress that was already eating away at him.

“I’m okay, I grabbed a quick snack while you were gone,” Ryan fibbed. He hadn’t left his desk since he first walked in that morning.

Shane was frowning lightly at him. “You sure?” he pressed. “I got your favorite,” he added, pulling the wrapped burrito out of the bag.

Ryan wanted to grab it, but he held himself back. “Yeah, I’m sure,” he responded. “You know how I get right before filming,” he pointed out. “I’m not sure that much food would be good right now.”

Shane still didn’t look happy, but he let it drop after that, squeezing Ryan’s hand briefly before he began eating. 

Shane was only a few bites into his own burrito before he gathered everything together again. “I’m gonna go find someone to dump the rest of these on,” he said, standing up. He let his hand linger on Ryan’s shoulder as he passed and Ryan subconsciously leaned into it until the pressure lifted.

Ryan missed his partner as soon as he was gone, but he was so thankful to the other man for taking the food away. The smell had been torture, the phantom taste of one of his favorite meals strong on his tongue. Though the burritos his family made tasted nothing like the _ very _strongly American-ized meal, they still reminded him fondly of visiting his grandparents and aunts and uncles when he was younger. It had gotten a little more difficult as he and Jake had grown up and gotten busier, and Ryan hadn’t seen some of his relatives in years, not since he before he’d started college. 

Chipotle, for all of its faults, reminded him of those visits and gave him comfort when he thought about how long it had been since he’d been to a big family gathering. Not being able to eat there any more had taken that away and, though Ryan didn’t regret the results of that decision, he still missed it.

But if he wanted to look good enough to not be a drag on Shane’s life (if he wanted to be able to look in the mirror without hating what he saw), he had to make some sacrifices.

* * *

Walking into the apartment after work, Ryan felt a weight fall off of his shoulders. Their first Q and A had been uploaded earlier in the afternoon, and Ryan felt like he was on cloud 9. He had stressed about it for days and to finally have it done and out there was a relief. He’d seen the positive feedback on twitter and on the video itself all afternoon and it left him with a warm feeling in his chest.

“Told you so,” Shane said smugly, grinning at Ryan from his place in the kitchen.

Ryan rolled his eyes fondly. “_Yeah_, yeah,” he replied. Shane placed a kiss against Ryan’s forehead as he walked past on his way to the couch. 

“You worry too much sometimes,” he commented lightly as he sat down.

“So you’ve said before,” Ryan said dryly, perching on the arm of the couch and leaning against Shane. 

“Sit down, stay a while,” Shane offered sarcastically, gesturing toward the empty expanse of the couch.

Ryan checked the time on his phone, biting his lip. “I should really be heading out soon,” he said, trailing off quietly.

Ryan heard Shane sigh and glanced down at him to see a look on his face that Ryan couldn’t place. Shane smiled up at him, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “You know,” Shane began, his voice joking but with a strain to it. “If you want some time to yourself, you don’t have to leave every time. I can head out for the night if you want the apartment to yourself for a while.”

Ryan’s eyebrows shot up. “_What_?” he asked incredulously. “Shane, what are you talking about?”

Shane looked up into Ryan’s eyes, seeming just as confused as Ryan felt. “Ryan, I’ve barely seen you outside of work in a _ month_,” he said. “You get home from work and then you leave, you don’t come back until late, and then you go to bed. Even on the weekends, you’re gone for _ hours_,” he said pointedly.

Shane sighed, sounding tired. “Look, if it’s _ me _ and you’re not quite comfortable with being around me full time, that’s fine. I know it’s a bit of an adjustment to live with your partner, especially when you work together too, and if you need some time to yourself, I totally get that. I just wish you’d _ tell _ me instead of feeling like you have to _ leave_. This is _ your _home too,” he said earnestly. 

Ryan couldn’t believe the words that Shane was saying. _ Of course _ he wanted to be around Shane! Time away from him was a pain and Ryan hated it. “Shane, I’m not leaving to _ get away _ from you,” Ryan said, his voice raised in an attempt to make Shane understand. “I’m just keeping my routine, why would you think I don’t want to be around you?”

Shane raised an eyebrow at him like Ryan was obtuse. “Ryan, name the last time we sat down and ate together or hell, watched a _ movie _ together, _ anything _besides sleep or work.”

Ryan opened his mouth to respond, but he couldn’t remember. He thought back through the past couple of weeks, but there was nothing. He caught stray bits of episodes with Shane before they went to bed sometimes, but they hadn’t sat down and watched anything together in a _ while_. 

Their binge of Boston Legal had dropped off entirely since Ryan began working out again. They hadn’t had dinner together since around the same time, and even lunch had been sketchy, even though they worked and sat _ right next to each other_. 

At Ryan’s stunned silence, Shane sighed again. “My point exactly. Ryan, I _ promise_, I’m not mad, I just want to _ help_. Tell me what’s going on and we’ll work it out,” he said, grabbing one of Ryan’s hands in his, his thumb brushing over Ryan’s knuckles. “That’s what relationships are about, after all,” he continued quietly.

“Shane, I _ swear_, it’s not you,” Ryan replied, nearly pleading. “I promise, I really am going to the gym. I’m just trying to get into better shape, I’m not trying to get away from you.”

Shane’s eyes flicked away from Ryan’s face for a moment before returning. He didn’t say anything for a long moment, but eventually he let out another sigh. Shane smiled up at Ryan, squeezing his hand. “I’m glad,” he joked.

Ryan let out the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding, blinking a few times. 

“I’m sorry,” Shane said quietly, turning away from Ryan. “You can head to the gym if you want, I’ll stop nagging you.” 

Ryan frowned, not liking the tone Shane had used. He bit his lip as he thought about it. He didn’t really want to skip out on going to the gym, but… Shane needed him more than Ryan needed to go to the gym. Ryan was on his way to being in shape again, already a lot firmer than he had been when he started all of this. He’d just have to make up for it later.

Decision made, Ryan stood up from the couch. “I could,” he said slowly. “_Or_,” he said, pausing as he walked to Shane’s other side and sat down next to him. “I could stay in and spend the night with my _ amazing _ boyfriend.”

Shane’s eyes softened as the corners of his lips ticked up. “I don’t want to keep you,” he protested softly. “Don’t change your schedule just because I’m complaining.”

Ryan took Shane’s face in his hands, kissing him slowly. “Maybe I _ want _to,” he whispered as he pulled away.

Shane leaned in again, pressing a chaste kiss to Ryan’s lips before standing up. “Pick the movie, I’ll grab something for us to snack on. We can make a little celebration of the first Q and A dropping,” he smirked.

Ryan felt a little sick at the mention of _ snacks_, but if it made Shane happy, he’d put up with it. He just wouldn’t eat too much of it.

Ryan pulled up Edge of Tomorrow, one of Shane’s favorite Tom Cruise movies. Shane smiled at him when he walked in, holding a bowl full of popcorn. “You’re spoiling me,” he accused lightly.

Ryan smiled back at him, resolutely ignoring the bowl in his hands. “You can’t prove anything,” he retorted.

Shane huffed out a laugh as he settled back into the couch. He shifted the bowl away from them as Ryan leaned into Shane’s space, cuddling up next to him. Shane slouched down a little more, allowing Ryan to settle his head and hand on Shane’s sturdy chest while his other arm snaked around Shane’s waist, pulling him close.

Shane let the arm that wasn’t holding the popcorn come down to rest across Ryan’s shoulders, holding him securely. “_Someone’s _ feeling touchy tonight,” he commented, pulling Ryan even closer to him as he tightened his grip on Ryan.

Ryan brought his legs up behind him on the couch as Shane kicked his up on the table. The bowl of popcorn came to rest on Shane’s lap.

Ryan pressed a kiss to Shane’s chest through the thin fabric of his shirt. “Would hate for you to think I don’t wanna be around you,” he mumbled. Shane squeezed Ryan’s shoulders, but didn’t respond otherwise as he started the movie.

Ryan turned his focus to the cinematography and plot, the attractiveness of both Tom Cruise and Emily Blunt; he focused on the steady rise and fall of Shane’s chest underneath him. For a while, it worked, and Ryan felt himself getting lost in the heady feeling of being close to Shane and existing, following the story in front of him.

“Want some?” Shane asked quietly during a slower part, holding the bowl closer to Ryan enticingly. Ryan’s stomach turned at the smell as it came closer, both tempting and repulsive at the same time. He wanted so bad to break, give in just _ once _ and pig out with Shane like he used to, but the thoughts of all those carbs, all that _ salt _ and _ butter _ and _ fat _made him want to shove the bowl to the floor.

Ryan tried to hide the way his hand shook as he reached out, taking a small handful so that Shane wouldn’t be offended.

“Thanks,” he said quietly. Shane hummed distractedly, moving the bowl back to his lap when he saw that Ryan wasn’t taking any more.

Ryan lost track of the movie, staring blankly down at the food in his hand. Even just the thought of trying to eat the popcorn made his skin crawl. He felt sick as he put the kernels in his mouth. It was a battle as he slowly chewed. The flavor was fantastic, like it always was when Shane made it, but his body wanted to rejected the food in his mouth and he felt like he was going to throw up as he finally forced himself to swallow.

He knew he was a little spacey after that, but Shane was watching the movie, so he figured he was safe.

Closer to the end of the movie, Shane startled a little, laughing softly. Ryan lifted his head to glance quizzically at the man.

“Guess I ate most of it already. My bad,” Shane said bashfully.

Ryan smiled. “It’s alright, I wasn’t super hungry anyways.” He was glad the food was gone.

“There’s still a bit left in the bottom if you want it,” Shane offered, tilting the bowl toward him.

Ryan moved back a little without meaning to. “Nah, I’m good,” he said, hoping it came off casual. “Go for it big guy.”

Shane frowned down at him, seeming confused. “You sure?”

“Absolutely,” Ryan responded, trying not to let himself look away as the scrutiny became a little uncomfortable.

Shane brought his hand up, placing the back of his wrist against Ryan’s forehead. “You feeling alright?” he asked, squinting his eyes. “Normally it’s a battle to the death for the last few kernels with you.”

Ryan gently batted his boyfriend’s arm away, rolling his eyes. “Maybe I’m feeling nice today.”

Shane snorted. “_You_? _ Nice_? To _ me_? Now I _ know _ something’s wrong.”

Ryan raised his eyebrow. “Are you saying you _ don’t _ want them?” he asked dubiously.

Shane immediately drew the bowl closer to his body. “No, they’re mine now, you _ heathen_.”

Ryan laughed at his partner’s antics. “Then shut up and eat them already before I change my mind,” he teased.

Shane immediately lifted the bowl, dumping the few pieces left into his mouth. Ryan knew there hadn’t been much left, but Shane had puffed out his cheeks, making it seem like there was more in his mouth than there really was. His exaggerated chewing and the long, labored swallow completed the image, Shane sticking his tongue out petulantly as he placed the now empty bowl on the floor.

“You’re such a dork,” Ryan said fondly, leaning on Shane’s chest once more, putting them face to face.

“_Your _ dork,” he pointed out, hands coming up to rest lightly on Ryan’s waist.

Ryan felt his heart flutter at the words. “_Mine_,” he agreed, his lips brushing against Shane’s as he leaned in.

He could still taste the butter and salt on Shane’s lips, but it didn’t make him feel as queasy as it had earlier when he felt Shane kissing him back. One of his hands made its way up Ryan’s back to gently cup his neck, holding Ryan close. 

Even these small touches felt like electricity to Ryan. He and Shane had kissed and touched each other in the past few weeks, but Ryan hadn’t let anything go past the casual touches they shared in the office. He had always panicked any time it seemed like Shane wanted more, not wanting to let the other man see his body. Ryan was pleased to find that, while that faint alarm was still buzzing in the very back of his consciousness, it was overruled by want for Shane. He’d been working his _ ass _ off the past month to be able to have this and it was _ finally _ showing.

Ryan swung his leg over Shane’s, straddling him and deepening the kiss as his hands gripped Shane’s broad shoulders. Shane let out a quiet noise of surprise, his hand returning to Ryan’s hips to keep him steady as he settled. Ryan felt the light squeeze and moaned into the kiss, nearly forcing Shane’s lips apart with how hard he was kissing the man beneath him. 

Shane parted his lips almost as an afterthought to Ryan’s nudging and Ryan took advantage of it to briefly pull Shane’s lower lip in between his teeth. He let it go, running his tongue over the flesh as a soft apology. 

Ryan pressed forward to continue the kiss, but Shane tilted his head away, squeezing Ryan’s hips again to get his attention.

“Where’s _ this _coming from?” he asked quietly, sounding a little out of breath.

Ryan pressed his lips against the dip where Shane’s jaw met his neck as he answered, feeling the slight stubble there. “You being a moron,” he mocked, nipping lightly at the skin. “And also you being unfairly attractive,” he added with a wet kiss to the spot.

Shane’s head tilted ever so slightly as Ryan continued to run his lips over Shane’s jaw. “Not that I’m _ complaining_,” he started, pausing as Ryan tugged Shane’s ear lightly between his teeth. “But is everything alright?”

Ryan pulled away slightly to look at Shane. “What do you mean?”

Shane bit his lip, making Ryan want to dive right back in. “You’ve been a little… _ off _ tonight. You haven’t wanted to do anything in a while now, which is _ completely _fine,” Shane hurried to add, “ and now you’re…” he trailed off, letting the position they were in speak for itself. “I just want to make sure you’re not…” Shane trailed off again, looking conflicted.

“Not what?” Ryan whispered, brushing their noses together.

Shane pulled back, looking incredibly serious. “Not forcing yourself because I said something.”

“Can’t I just want to feel my boyfriend under me?” Ryan asked, hands moving over Shane’s shoulders in a way he knew the older man loved.

Shane whimpered so softly that, if Ryan hadn’t been listening for it, he wouldn’t have heard it. He saw Shane swallow again. “Ryan, I just… I don’t think this is a good idea right now.”

Ryan frowned, worried now. “Why not?” he asked.

Shane met his eyes and there was so much emotion there that Ryan couldn’t even begin to guess at all of it. “You haven’t wanted me to touch you in weeks, I feel like I haven’t seen you in just as long, and then suddenly you’re all over me as soon as I say something about it?”

Ryan turned away. “Shane, that’s not-”

“I know,” Shane said, cutting him off. His hand came up to brush Ryan’s hair back. Ryan leaned into the touch as Shane cupped his face. “I know that’s probably not what’s going on, but I just… I don’t feel _ comfortable _ with all of this right now,” he admitted, looking almost pained. “I just don’t want to do anything that you might regret later,” he continued softly.

“You wouldn’t,” Ryan whispered.

Shane smiled up at him, placing a chaste, lingering kiss to Ryan’s lips. “It’s getting late,” he said quietly. The movie was finishing up behind them. Ryan knew it couldn’t be later than 9, but he felt exhausted for a reason he couldn’t name. 

He stood up, pulling Shane up with him when the taller man stuck out his hands. They went about turning the movie off and putting everything away. Both took turns in the bathroom, taking out contacts and brushing their teeth. Ryan found that, once again, he couldn’t meet his own gaze in the mirror.

When Ryan walked into the bedroom, already changed into his sweats and shirt, Shane was sitting on the bed, facing away from the door. Ryan quietly sat down on the other side of the bed, plugging his phone into the charger on the nightstand.

“You’re not mad at me, are you?”

Ryan turned in surprise, taking in the way Shane’s shoulders were tense, like he was expecting a blow.

“Of course not,” he breathed out. “Why would I be?”

Shane shrugged in lieu of an answer. Ryan reached out, gently turning Shane towards him. “I could never be mad at you,” Ryan admitted. “Especially when you’re doing what you think is right.”

Shane’s eyes raked over Ryan’s face, as if he was looking for any hint that Ryan was hiding something from him. But Ryan meant it.

“I love you,” Shane said softly.

Ryan lifted his hand to Shane’s face, drawing him in for a kiss. “I love you too,” he replied after they had parted. Shane smiled at him.

Ryan smiled back before gently patting Shane’s cheek and turning away to turn off the light. He laid down afterwards, pulling the covers up.

Shane moved closer to him, his arm moving over to rest alongside Ryan’s. “Do you mind if I…?” he trailed off.

Ryan turned onto his side, his back to Shane as he gently pressed against the man’s firm torso. When Shane’s arm came around his middle tentatively, Ryan grabbed his hand and snuggled further into his hold.

“Night Shane,” he murmured, closing his eyes.

Shane pressed a kiss to Ryan’s hair. “Night, love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: guardians of the galaxy vol: 2 came out on my 16th birthday and my best friend took me to go see it opening night
> 
> also if you refer to that movie as live. die. repeat instead of edge of tomorrow, i’m sorry but you have no rights


	5. Chapter 5

Ryan spent the next day at work fretting about what had happened the night before. He felt his skin crawl every time he thought about how he had skipped out on the gym. That was easier to deal with than Shane’s rejection, though, so that was Ryan focused most of his energy on.

He couldn’t continue the way he had because Shane was starting to feel neglected. But he also couldn’t keep skipping his workouts because that left him feeling just as uneasy. He thought about maybe just skipping on the weekends, spending Friday through Sunday with Shane, but he couldn’t skip the gym for three days straight. Not only would that be detrimental to his body, he knew he wouldn’t be able to focus. He’d get antsy and space out on whatever they were doing as he worried and he didn’t want Shane to have to deal with that.

He hadn’t been very productive with the show, but by the time they were heading for the car at the end of the day, Ryan had come up with a plan.

He’d start waking up early enough to go in the morning on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays so that the rest of the day could be spent with Shane. During the week, he’d keep going after work since Shane wasn’t as likely to want to do something when they had work again in the morning.

As he packed his gym bag once more after getting home, confident in his new plan of action, he failed to notice the way Shane was looking in at him from the hallway.

* * *

Ryan woke up to a quiet alarm Friday morning, quickly turning it off so that Shane wouldn’t notice. Shane was a heavier sleeper than Ryan, but he didn’t care to test his theory at the moment. He carefully slipped out of his partner’s lax hold, pulling the blankets up again so that Shane wouldn’t get cold. He brushed his knuckles against Shane’s cheek when he had finished, light enough that he was sure Shane wouldn’t even feel it in his sleep. He grabbed the bag that he had repacked last night, quietly changing into shorts and a tank top. Living with roommates had taught him the artful skill of being almost silent in the morning.

He had filled out well enough since starting his sessions that he felt comfortable working out in the more revealing clothes again, something that had taken him a couple of weeks to do.

He checked the time on his phone as he walked out of the bedroom. He had enough time to do his entire routine and be back before work as long as traffic wasn’t horrible for some reason. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes as he shut the door behind him.

He hated waking up early, but if it made Shane happier to have him be free after work, he’d gladly make the sacrifice.

* * *

Ryan walked out of the bathroom, freshly showered after his workout, only to be met by the sight of Shane walking out of the bedroom, bleary eyed.

Shane frowned tiredly at him. “What are you up so early for?” he asked.

Ryan smiled as he walked past. “I woke up early and couldn’t get back to sleep, so I figured I’d start getting ready.” It wasn’t _ technically _ a lie, it just wasn’t the whole truth.

He got dressed, listening to the sound of Shane pattering around in the kitchen. He pulled his shirt on as he walked into the living room, socks and shoes in hand. He saw the two bowls set out on the table and sat in front of one of them.

“What are you in the mood for?” Shane asked, crouched on the floor as he stared into the cabinet that held the cereal.

“I’m good,” Ryan replied. “I ate before I got in the shower.”

Shane looked over at him curiously. “Oh.” He paused for a moment. “Well, I guess I get the prize all to myself then,” he joked, lightly shaking the cereal box he’d picked up.

“No, I’ll still fight you for it,” Ryan claimed, grinning over at Shane as the man stood up.

“Nope,” he said, popping the ‘p’. “Finders keepers, and I intend on eating this whole box right here, right now if that’s what it takes.”

_ Must be nice to be able to eat as much as you want and still look like that, _ Ryan thought as he watched Shane grab the milk from the fridge. The movement pulled his shirt up slightly in the back and Ryan could see his arms briefly strain against his sleeves as he adjusted to the weight of the milk in his hand.

Ryan spent the rest of the meal absently scrolling through his Instagram as Shane ate. He tried to keep his stomach from growling every time he felt the urge rise, knowing that Shane would notice and try to get him to eat. He’d already had a protein bar before and after his workout, he didn’t need to add more.

* * *

Ryan woke up to the sound of his alarm going off and bit back a groan. He forced his eyes open as he turned off the alarm, trying to keep them from drooping closed again.

They had spent the night out with friends to celebrate the end of the week and hadn’t gotten back until past midnight. Ryan knew that Shane would be out for another couple of hours at least. He had had more to drink than Ryan and he always slept in whenever he had a hangover.

Ryan slowly pushed himself out of bed, mindful of Shane beside him. He kept the lights off as he grabbed his clothes, closing the bathroom door quietly behind him. There was enough light coming in through the window that Ryan kept the lights off in here as well. He pushed past the slight pounding in his head, knowing that it would be gone by the time he got to the gym.

And if not, he’d push past it there too.

* * *

Ryan woke up a little easier the next day, his body a little more used to the earlier hour after a couple of days. 

He was just about to walk out of their bedroom when he heard a slight noise from behind him. He froze and turned to see Shane shift under the blankets. His back was to Ryan, but his breathing hadn’t seemed to change. He stayed where he was for a few moments, watching Shane.

When he was sure he wouldn’t disturb the other man, he continued out the door. He glanced back as he passed the threshold. Shane looked so soft and comfortable bundled up like that. Part of Ryan longed to curl up behind him, hold him close and fall back asleep with Shane in his arms. 

It took all of the strength Ryan had been building up to turn away and leave.

* * *

When Ryan walked into the house after his workout, it was to the sound of someone doing the dishes.

Ryan froze with the door half open, strap of his bag in hand.

_ Shit_.

When Shane didn’t walk out, the water still running, Ryan cautiously moved further into the room, setting his bag down by the couch. He walked around the corner into their kitchen to see Shane rinsing bubbles off of a plate. He didn’t look up as Ryan stood there.

He turned the water off and grabbed the towel off of the counter next to him, drying the plate slowly. He walked closer to Ryan, opening the cabinet in front of him. He heard the sound of the plates clacking together, but with the open door hiding Shane’s head, he couldn’t see the other man’s expression.

Shane leaned back when he was finished, closing the door and setting the towel back down on the counter. He leaned against the fridge and crossed his arms lightly.

“Missed you at breakfast,” he said quietly, eyes on the ground.

Ryan’s eyes flicked to the microwave and he checked the time.

10:27.

He knew that traffic had been bad, with an accident closing two of the lanes, but he had hoped that Shane would still be in bed. They always had breakfast (sometimes more of a brunch, depending on when they finally rolled out of bed) together on Sunday mornings, and even though it had been a little tense the last few weeks as Ryan ate less and less, he’d still loved the time with Shane.

“Sorry,” Ryan said, his mouth dry. “I didn’t mean to be out so long.”

“It’s fine,” Shane replied calmly, still not looking up. “It’s not like it’s the end of the world or anything.”

His eyes felt like they were branding him as they met Ryan’s wide eyed gaze. “I’m sure you already ate, anyways.” With that, Shane pushed himself off of the fridge and gently moved past Ryan.

“Shane-” he tried, but Shane kept walking.

Ryan didn’t know how long he stood there, guilt and fear bubbling into a messy concoction, but it was long enough that Shane walked out again, fully dressed. “I’m gonna go run a few errands, be back in a bit,” he said lightly, grabbing his keys off the counter.

“Shane, I’m sorry,” Ryan said, taking a step forward.

“It’s okay,” he said soothingly, smiling at Ryan. It didn’t reach his eyes.

Ryan stood there helplessly as Shane walked out. He didn’t slam the door; nothing about his posture, voice, or words had sounded angry or upset.

But Ryan knew he had fucked up, and he didn’t know how to fix it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lil baby chapter, but it gets a lot longer after this


	6. Chapter 6

Coming back to work on Monday morning was never fun, but this particular Monday was especially shitty.

Shane had been gone most of the afternoon the day before, coming back with a couple bags of groceries. He hadn’t yelled like Ryan had been half expecting, and he supposed he should’ve known better. Shane was never the type for explosive displays of emotion; he was generally a very calm and mellow person, and arguments were no exception to that. 

Ryan had spent the rest of the day feeling like he was walking on glass; one wrong move, one step a little too heavy, and the ground would shatter, leaving him to plummet into the open air beneath him. Shane hadn’t been cold, but he’d been distant. They hadn’t talked about it, instead watching a couple hours of a show that Ryan couldn’t remember even half of because he’d been silently losing his mind.

They’d had dinner together, Ryan forcing himself to eat a little more than he wanted so that Shane wouldn’t have anything else to be disappointed about. It had felt like chewing paper with how stressed he’d been and how much he didn’t want to eat, but he’d choked it down.

They were sitting next to each other at their desk, people milling about all around them, but Ryan had never felt so alone.

* * *

Ryan had gone to the gym as soon as they’d gotten home from work, positive that he would go crazy if he had to stay alone with Shane again, no escape in sight. He wanted to talk things out with Shane, but the man had made no move throughout the day to indicate that he had the same desire. Ryan didn’t know what to do and he needed to clear his head, steal a little time to himself to think about how he could make it up to his partner.

As soon as he walked in the door, he saw Shane sitting on the couch, his head bowed.

He looked over at the sound of the door shutting, still slouched over. 

He looked... _ exhausted_.

Ryan froze for a second, before he gestured vaguely forward. “I’m… shower,” he mumbled. He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t deal with Shane right now. He needed to get out of there, calm down before he could face him again.

Ryan was halfway to the bathroom when he heard Shane call his name softly, stopping Ryan in his tracks. He _ sounded _exhausted, too.

Ryan didn’t move forward, but he didn’t turn back either. “Yeah?” he asked, feeling like his voice would break if he spoke any louder.

“Can we talk?” Shane asked, just as quiet.

_ Fuck, no no no_, Ryan thought. That sounded bad, he didn’t want Shane to leave him or be done with him. He couldn’t deal with this conversation right now, not with the way his heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. 

“I don’t think you want to sit by me right now,” he deflected. “I smell pretty bad.”

The joke sounded flat even to his own ears.

“Please?” Shane begged.

That was what got Ryan. Shane didn’t _ beg_, ever. He turned to face his boyfriend worriedly.

Shane looked… pretty bad. His hair was standing up on all sides, his eyes were red rimmed, and he was slumped forward, like a weight was pulling him down.

He felt his heart hurt at the picture Shane painted. He dreaded having this conversation, hearing Shane tell him that they were through, but more than that, he hated seeing Shane like this.

He hated knowing that he looked like that because of _ Ryan_.

Ryan felt numb as he walked forward. He sat down carefully on the edge of the couch, trying not to jostle Shane. “Are you okay?” he asked. He thought that Shane didn’t hear him for a second when he got no response.

The smile Shane shot him after a few moments looked almost pained. “I’m just tired,” he said, voice as rough as Ryan’s.

Ryan swallowed against the lump growing in his throat. “I’m sorry.”

Shane sighed, his head hanging low. “I would say it’s not your fault, but I don’t make a habit of lying,” he said plainly.

Ryan cringed at the words. Even if he knew they were true, they still hurt to hear. Ryan opened his mouth to say something, anything, but Shane held his hand out, closing his eyes. “Ryan, I-” his voice broke off and Ryan held his breath. “I just… I don’t _ know_,” he said defeatedly. He opened his eyes, training them on Ryan. Ryan felt trapped by them,

“Are you…” He paused again. “Ryan, are you _ happy_?”

Ryan blinked. “Yes?” he replied hesitantly. 

Shane looked at him silently.

“You’re never here,” he said slowly, after a few moments. “Every time I’ve woken up the past few days, you’re _ gone_. You leave right after we get home from work every night, you don’t eat with me anymore unless I _ force _ you to, other than the one time I _ said _ something, you haven’t wanted me to touch you, you _ barely _talk to me at work half the time,” he listed, before stopping. “Do I need to go on?” he asked sarcastically.

Ryan felt himself lightly shake his head, voice stuck in his throat.

Shane sighed again, sounding more agitated than before as he looked away. “Dammit, Ryan, I’m- I don’t _ know _ what-” he broke off again, biting his lip harshly. “If you’re not _ happy _ here, _ please_, just tell me,” he begged. “I don’t want to keep you here out of- out of _ obligation_. You mean so much to me, I would never want you to force yourself into this because you think it’s what makes me _ happy_. If you feel like you have to _ escape _ me every day, then obviously we need to talk about some things, figure out if this is really what _ you _want,” he said, turning his eyes to Ryan again. 

“_Shane_,” Ryan breathed out. “I’m not… I’m not trying to _ get away _ from you,” he protested, horrified.

Shane scoffed, closing his eyes again. “Kinda feels like it,” he admitted bitterly.

“I’m _ not_,” Ryan insisted, leaning closer to Shane. “I’m not unhappy with you, you make me happier than anyone else,” he admitted.

“Then why have you been pulling away for _ weeks_, Ryan?” Shane’s eyes were pleading. “Why have you been _ lying _to me and distancing yourself?”

“I’m not _ lying _ to you,” Ryan protested, eyes wide.

Shane raised an eyebrow. “So you’ve been going to the gym _ every single day _ for a _ month_?” he asked sarcastically.

“_Yes!_” Ryan exclaimed desperately. His head pounded a little with how loud he’d been. As the throbbing lessened, he felt a little lightheaded, like all of the blood in his body was trying to flow down to his toes while simultaneously roaring in his ears. 

“_Why_?” Shane said, just as loud.

“Because!” Ryan shouted, heart pounding. He felt dizzy as he tried to focus on Shane. He tried to think, wondering why he was so weak, why his head was pounding. 

“Because _ what_?” Shane demanded, eyes narrowed.

Ryan absently noted that he hadn’t eaten since that morning, too nervous to grab anything at lunch with Shane.

“Because I’m not _ good _ enough!” Ryan shot up as he shouted the words, feeling like he was floating.

He saw Shane flinch back like someone had struck him, eyes wide, before Ryan’s vision blacked out fuzzily. He barely even felt it when he hit the floor, only noticing that his legs were no longer holding him up when a dull stab of pain shot up his arm a few moments later, the realization that his back was against the floor faintly following.

“Ryan!” he heard distantly. He blinked a few times, trying to orient himself again. He felt woozy and distracted and nothing seemed quite _ real_.

He felt something touch his face. Ryan blinked harder, forcing himself to focus on what was happening around him. When his brain finally decided to connect with reality again, he saw Shane leaning over him, pale and worried.

“Ryan?” he asked, voice shaking as much as the arms he felt around him.

Ryan hummed questioningly, eyes squinting a little as he tried to shake off the last vestiges of that fuzzy feeling that had encompassed him.

‘Thank God,” he heard faintly. “Ryan?” Shane said, addressing him again. 

“Yeah?” he mumbled, tongue feeling heavy in his mouth, like he had just woken up.

“Are you alright?” Shane asked slowly. Ryan appreciated the effort since his brain felt like it was stuffed with shitty dollar store cotton balls.

“Yes?”

A disbelieving huff left Shane’s mouth. “You sure about that?”

Ryan blinked up at him, seeing Shane’s eyes watching him closely. _ God _that man was so pretty. “Yes?”

Ryan saw Shane’s lips twitch ever so slightly. “You don’t _ sound _very sure.”

“Not my fault,” he mumbled, rolling his head to the side to push his face into Shane’s elbow. Shane held him close for a moment, both of them just breathing. He was pretty sure a few minutes had passed by the time Ryan looked up again, feeling a lot less like he was floating now. 

“Hey,” Shane said quietly, a thin smile on his face as he looked down at Ryan.

“Hey,” Ryan replied, just as quiet.

“Are you okay if I move you?” he asked seriously.

Ryan took stock of his body, fairly sure that he wouldn’t drop again. “Yeah, that’s fine. Just… maybe go slow?”

“Of course,” Shane whispered, pressing his lips to Ryan’s hair and just holding him close for a moment. Then he shifted, moving his back against the couch. Shane helped him to sit up, leaning Ryan against him and holding him loosely to his chest. 

“Think you can make it up on the couch?” Shane questioned.

Ryan very slowly nodded, making sure not to jerk his head. 

Ryan felt Shane’s legs tense beneath him, his arms tightening around Ryan, before they were rising. It was only for a second before they landed on the couch again, barely bouncing once before they settled. Shane carefully slid out from under Ryan, making sure he was propped up against the couch.

“Do you wanna lay down?”

“No,” Ryan responded. “I’ll be okay like this, I think.” 

“Positive?”

“Yeah.” He was fine now, for the most part. 

If you didn’t count the dull ache in his arm, head, stomach, and the barely-there lingering dizziness, then Ryan was just dandy; the picture of health.

“What _ was _that?” Shane asked worriedly.

“I…” Ryan trailed off for a moment, gathering his thoughts again. “I think I passed out.”

Shane shot him a decidedly _ unimpressed _ look. “Gee, Ry, I never would have guessed _ that_.”

Ryan felt his face heat up a little. “I think I just stood up too fast.”

“Ryan, people don’t _ pass out _ from standing up too fast,” Shane said incredulously. “They _ stumble _a little, they don’t fall to the ground and lay motionless.” His voice shook on the last few words.

“Sorry,” Ryan said quietly, shrinking into himself.

Shane sighed harshly, his eyes still wide and fixed on Ryan. “Ryan, what the _ hell _ is going on? _ Please_.”

The fear in his voice felt like a punch to the gut. Shane was the _ least _fearful dude Ryan had ever known and the fact that he now sounded like Ryan at a haunted house scared Ryan more than he could say.

“I just… I think I didn’t eat enough today,” he offered. “I felt a little sick before I stood up and then really dizzy.”

“How much is ‘not enough’?” Shane asked carefully.

“Like… not since breakfast?” Ryan admitted.

“Since _ breakfast_?” Shane repeated, eyebrows furrowing. “Ryan, you didn’t _ eat _ breakfast. You had, like, a _ bite _of a granola bar.”

“It was more than _ that_,” Ryan protested weakly.

“So you didn’t eat anything for lunch or even snacked a little at work?” Shane pressed.

Ryan shook his head carefully.

Shane’s frowned. “Ryan, that’s not… You have to eat _ more _than that.”

“I know,” Ryan said imploringly, “I just… I was worried and you know I don’t do well with food when I’m worried or nervous, and-”

“_Ryan_,” Shane said, cutting him off from his ramble.

Ryan closed his mouth and looked at Shane.

Shane looked like he was trying to puzzle something out in his head.

“How much do you work out?” he asked slowly.

“I don’t know,” Ryan mumbled, looking away. “Like… an hour every day, I guess?”

Shane was quiet for long enough that Ryan looked back at him again.

His frown was deeper now.

“What all did you eat yesterday?” he asked softly.

Ryan felt a shoot of panic that he tried to suppress. “Shane, that’s-”

“_Ryan_,” he chided.

Ryan knew he was staring wide eyed at the man in front of him, but he couldn’t help it. He opened his mouth to speak, closing it when nothing came out. Shane reached out and gently cradled his hands.

“I don’t know,” Ryan whispered.

“Try to remember,” Shane encouraged softly, his thumb rubbing over Ryan’s knuckles.

Ryan thought back, trying to work past the panic that was still pounding through his veins like a beating drum.

“I mean… there was dinner with you… and, um… a protein bar?” He trailed off, not recalling anything else. 

After a moment to make sure he was done, Shane spoke again. “That’s it?”

“I think so,” Ryan said. “I was kind of stressed yesterday too,” he joked, knowing that it wouldn’t hit like he wanted it to.

“What about the day before?” he demanded softly, ignoring Ryan’s quip.

“Shane, I don’t _ know_,” Ryan said, almost begging.

Shane didn’t ask again. He breathed in like he was going to say something, but as his eyes traced over Ryan’s face, he let it out again. Immeasurable moments of silence later, Shane broke.

“Ryan. Why haven’t you been eating?” His voice was_ oh_ _so_ _gentle_.

“I’ve been eating,” Ryan protested weakly, his voice hushed.

“No, Ryan. You _ haven’t _ been.” Shane’s voice was never this _ kind_, like he was talking to a small, scared _ child_.

Ryan’s heart felt like it was in his throat. “It’s fine, it was _ one _mistake. I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again, I promise, I’ve been doing fine up until this-”

Shane’s palm against his cheek stopped him from continuing. “But you _ haven’t _ been doing fine,” Shane told him. “That’s the _ problem_.” 

Ryan had never seen Shane look this _ sad _ before. Not upset, or frustrated, or dejected, but just... _ sad. _

“I’m sorry,” Ryan whispered, his vision blurring slightly as he felt a burning warmth in his eyes. He blinked and felt something light land on his lap.

Shane’s hand moved behind Ryan’s head as he coaxed Ryan toward him. Ryan leaned into the hug, his arms wrapping tight around Shane’s waist as he trembled. Shane held him close, rocking them both slightly as Ryan cried into Shane’s shoulder. He felt terrible for getting Shane’s clothes rumpled and wet, but he pressed his face closer to Shane as more tears made their way down his cheeks.

He felt Shane flinch when the first sob escaped from his lips, felt Shane’s arms tighten their grip on him; it felt so good to let himself be held by the man he loved.

He just wished he wasn’t hurting him in the process.


	7. Chapter 7

Ryan lay on top of Shane an hour later. He had finally caught his breath after the tears had subsided, but he was exhausted and he could tell that Shane was too. They’d been laying together, Shane drawing soothing circles on his back, for nearly half an hour now, just listening to each other’s breathing.

Ryan pressed his ear to Shane's chest, right above his heart. The steady beat helped keep him grounded. His nerves were frayed and he was still a little worried about how much of his body was pressed up against Shane’s. He would never admit it to the man, but his rejection a few days ago had stuck with Ryan more than Shane had probably intended it to. He truly hadn’t been ready to go that far with Shane again and was grateful to the man for stopping him, but it had still left him with a lot of doubts about his progress so far.

He felt Shane’s breathing change before he heard the words. “You know we need to talk about this, right?”

“I know,” Ryan mumbled into Shane’s chest. Shane laid his large hands flat against Ryan’s back, covering nearly the whole width of his torso.

They laid like that for a little while longer, Ryan soaking up the way the Shane’s arms fit around him. Eventually though, they both knew that they couldn’t put it off any more. With a press of his lips to Ryan’s hair, Shane shifted beneath Ryan, and Ryan sat up. They both sat on the couch facing each other, their legs tangled together. The simple contact helped Ryan focus.

Shane blew out a slow breath. “So,” he stated.

Ryan bit his lower lip, worrying it lightly between his teeth as he waited for Shane to start.

“How long has this been going on, Ry?”

Ryan let out a bitter laugh. “That’s a loaded question,” he cautioned, trying to keep the tone a little lighter.

“When did _ this _ start then?” he corrected, gesturing to Ryan.

Ryan glanced at the table as he answered, picking at the fabric of the couch beneath him. “About a month ago.” He turned back and smiled weakly at Shane. “You guessed right on that one, big guy. Got it in one.”

Shane didn’t laugh, but his eyes softened. “Lucky me,” he muttered.

Ryan sighed. “It’s not your fault,” he said.

“What’s not my fault?” he asked rhetorically. “Me not noticing that the man I’m living with was struggling and _ starving _ himself, or me not doing anything to fix it even when I knew _ something _ was wrong?”

“_Shane_,” Ryan complained, sighing again. “I _ have _ been eating. Maybe not as much as you’d like, but I _ have _ been eating. I’ve eaten _ with _you.”

“Ry, that’s not _ eating_, that’s taking three bites of a salad and calling it a day,” Shane argued. “And if you’ve _ only _ been eating when I’ve been there to see it, then that’s even _ worse _because I’ve barely seen you for breakfast and dinner since you started working out and I’m sure you’ve skipped more lunches than I probably even know.”

Ryan looked away again. “I _ am _ sorry about that,” he said softly. “I just… I didn’t want you to worry. I thought that would make it easier.”

“Newsflash,” Shane joked weakly, “I’m pretty fucking worried.”

“Yeah, I got that,” Ryan replied quietly.

A moment passed in which neither of them spoke.

“Why do you feel like you have to do this?” Shane whispered.

Ryan shrugged, feeling his eyes grow hot once more as his throat pinched shut.

“That’s not an answer, Ry,” he pointed out gently. 

“I just…” Ryan cut himself off. “This isn’t anything _ new_.” He felt like he owed it to Shane to give him the full story. If he decided that Ryan just had too much baggage after he had aired it all out, well…

Ryan guessed he would burn that bridge when he got there.

“This isn’t my first time… _ relapsing_,” Ryan admitted, curling up slightly. “It got really bad when I was in high school. All the guys around me were so _ fit _ and _ muscular_, and I looked like a fucking _ stick_,” he spat out. “I was flabby and weak and _ small _ and I _ hated it_, so I just… I stopped eating as much; I worked out more; I couldn’t do anything about my height, but I started to look more like my friends. I was…” _ happy_, he wanted to say, as he let the fragmented sentence hang in the air

But Ryan knew he hadn’t truly been happy.

His therapist had helped him realize that.

He hadn’t seen her in years, now that Ryan thought about it.

“You know,” Shane said seriously, “I’ve seen pictures of you from high school. I don’t think you looked more than 130 pounds _ wet _ in a single one of them. Even _ with _the added muscle.”

“Teenaged me would beg to differ,” Ryan commented. “All I could see whenever I looked in the mirror was how _ skinny _ my arms were, how much my stomach hung out when I wasn’t actively sucking it in.” It had taken a whole session on how breathing through his chest instead of his stomach was bad for him before Ryan started training himself out of _ that _habit. 

“Is that what happened this time?” Shane questioned.

“Yeah,” Ryan breathed out, not looking up from his feet.

Shane’s foot gently bumped against his, drawing Ryan’s eyes up. “Is that why you’ve been going to the gym like it’s church and you’ve got a demon in your house?”

Ryan snorted at the wording, and when he looked at Shane again, his boyfriend looked a little less stressed. “That would be why,” he confirmed. “I hadn’t realized how much I had let myself go until one day I looked down and I realized that I hadn’t played a game of basketball or worked out in _ months _and that my body definitely reflected my new habits of sitting around and eating take out every night.”

Shane’s mouth tightened as he looked away. Ryan’s followed his gaze to the tv as he felt Shane withdraw a little.

Ryan’s stomach felt like it was doing flips as he took in the way Shane had almost collapsed inwards.

“I already told you it’s not your fault,” Ryan reminded him softly.

“Well I certainly didn’t _ help_,” Shane replied blandly. He looked back to Ryan. “Can you honestly tell me that you moving in with me and spending all your time with me didn’t contribute to the problem _ at all_? I’m guessing you were a lot more active when you were living with a bunch of frat bros.”

Ryan didn’t want to lie to him and say that that hadn’t been part of it, but he also didn’t want Shane to feel any worse when he hadn’t been trying to hurt Ryan, so he just bit his tongue.

Shane nodded, accepting the answer Ryan wasn’t saying. 

“Shane,” Ryan said, reaching forward to grab Shane’s hands. “You didn’t _ know_. I love the time we spend together, even if it might not have seemed that way the past few weeks. You were just being a good boyfriend, including me in the life that made you _ happy_. It’s not your fault that I have this _ problem_,” he said reluctantly. It was harder than he thought it would be to get the words out. “It’s always kinda been there, just waiting for a moment of weakness to jump in and fuck me up again.” He kept his gaze trained on where their hands lay connected. “I’m beginning to think it’s always gonna be there,” he whispered.

Shane softly tugged at Ryan’s hands, urging him forward. Ryan followed the prompting, leaning into Shane as the man pulled him into a hug. Ryan let his arms wrap around Shane’s neck as he knelt there.

Shane turned his head to press a kiss to Ryan’s neck. “Not if I can help it,” he said softly. 

Ryan felt the tears gather in his eyes again at the love in Shane’s voice, the simple promise he’d made with those words.

“You know,” Shane murmured into Ryan’s neck, “You’re by _ far _the most attractive man I’ve ever met.”

Ryan could feel the back of his neck getting hotter as he fought back a blush. He flicked the back of Shane’s head lightly as he buried his face in Shane’s hair.

“Rude,” Shane admonished, nuzzling in closer to Ryan to escape the treatment. “And I’m serious. Even before you went all Mr. Muscle, I thought you were _ way _ out of my league, someone as gorgeous as you. I was ecstatic when you asked me out the first time.”

“Well,” Shane corrected, a heartbeat later, “every time after that, too, but _ especially _ that first time when I found out that you were even a _ possibility _ and that, on some level, you liked me the same way I like you.”

“_Shane_,” Ryan whined as the heat traveled further up his neck. 

Shane kissed the exposed skin of Ryan’s neck again. “Ryan Bergara,” he started, placing another kiss a little higher up. “A man straight out of my teenaged wet dreams.” A kiss to the underside of Ryan’s jaw. “Settling for a late bloomer like me.” A soft kiss to Ryan’s lips. 

“You’re not that much of a late bloomer,” Ryan protested, Shane stealing another kiss after he’d gotten the words out. 

“Mmm,” his boyfriend hummed dubiously. “We started at Buzzfeed together, which means that I’m _ at least _ four years behind you,” he pointed out.

“That just means you’ve got more life experience,” Ryan whispered, his lips brushing Shane’s as they held themselves a breath apart.

“Ah yes,” he relented flatly, “a whole bunch of experience sitting on my ass and watching old Sci-Fi shows. How could I forget?”

Ryan laughed as he kissed Shane sweetly, holding Shane’s face between his palms. “Who else is gonna tell me which episodes of Star Trek are actually worth watching while also forcing me through all of the bad ones regardless?”

“I suppose you might be a little lacking in options on that front,” Shane replied, staring at Ryan like he was a wonder. Ryan kissed him again, not knowing how to deal with that unrelenting adoration.

“I don’t deserve someone as fantastic as you,” Shane murmured into the non-existent space between them.

“Funny,” Ryan whispered back. “I feel the same way about you.”

He could feel Shane’s lips turn up into a smile against his, even if he couldn’t see it.

He knew Shane could feel his smile too.


	8. Chapter 8

Waking up in Shane’s arms and not having to immediately leave them was a paradise Ryan hadn’t realized he had until he suddenly got it back. His alarm wasn’t going off, so that meant he must have woken up early, which then meant that he had time to just lay and enjoy the warmth of Shane’s body next to his.

His mom always used to tell him to enjoy the little things in life.

He and Shane had agreed last night to go into work today, even if they would be a little more tired than usual. 

Well. _ Shane _ would be a little more tired. Ryan had been getting up early enough lately that he actually felt like he was getting to sleep in.

He listened to Shane softly snoring for a while before the alarms finally went off on both of their phones, Ryan’s sounding off a spilt second before Shane’s.

Ryan could feel Shane’s breathing change as he woke up and Ryan groaned, burying his head against his pillow to block out the sound. Shane yawned as he reached out and turned them both off. This was a little earlier than they normally woke up on a Tuesday morning, and Shane’s droopy eyes definitely did a swell job of letting the world know that. But Shane had made him a deal last night, and Ryan knew he planned on holding him to it.

Sure enough, after a moment spent laying limply in bed, Shane pushed the blankets off. “Come on sunshine,” he mumbled tiredly, getting up and stretching his miles of limbs.

Ryan reluctantly left the warmth of their bed, slipping on his glasses as he followed Shane into the kitchen.

Ryan could feel the desire to flee increase the closer he got to the fridge, but he steeled himself.

Shane pulled out a pan and turned the stove on. He then grabbed a few eggs and a spatula as the pan heated up.

Shane had said that he wanted to help Ryan last night, and Ryan had agreed to let him. In turn, Shane had promised to take things slower, but said that he wouldn’t compromise on it if it would be detrimental to Ryan’s health. At the time, Ryan had seen it as being reasonable, but he was beginning to doubt that as he stared at the plate of eggs Shane set in front of him. While the pile barely held half as much as the one on Shane’s plate, Ryan still felt his stomach start to turn as he thought about eating all of it.

“Shane… I don’t know if I can do this,” he admitted fearfully. Shane reached across the table to grab Ryan’s left hand. 

“Just try,” he encouraged. “Do what you can, and we’ll work from there.”

Things always sounded so much simpler than they felt when Shane said them.

But Shane was there with him, and he knew that wouldn’t change.

Ryan took a bite.

* * *

With all the stress and drama of the past week or so, Ryan had completely forgotten about what today was. He was ashamed to say that he didn’t remember until they passed Adam, who quietly wished Shane a happy birthday as he walked past. Ryan had frozen in the middle of the hallway, eyes wide.

“_Shit_,” he hissed. Shane turned around when he noticed Ryan wasn’t beside him any more.

“You see a ghost?” he teased. He had stopped off to the side of the hallway with a hand on his hip, waiting for Ryan to catch up.

“Shane, I’m _ so _ sorry,” he said, clambering forward. “I totally forgot.”

Shane smiled down at him, a fond look on his face. “It’s fine,” he said easily, continuing forward. Ryan had little choice but to follow him.

“But I didn’t-” Ryan bit his lip, stopping himself from admitting that he hadn’t picked up Shane’s present. He had known what he _ wanted _ to get the taller man for months, but, not wanting to deal with hiding it from him, he’d planned on buying it the weekend before Shane’s birthday, which _ obviously _ hadn’t happened.

Shane seemed to know what he was going to say, even though Ryan held back. “It’s alright. Besides,” he began nonchalantly, “I have an idea of what you can give me as a present when we get home.”

“Ooo,” Curly smirked, mischief clear in his voice as they walked past him. “Need any help with _ that _one birthday boy?” he asked suggestively, eyebrow raised.

“I appreciate the thought,” Shane called, turning to face Curly as he kept walking, “but I’ll have to pass this year.”

Curly shrugged and turned back to the man he had been chatting with before they’d come by. 

Ryan shook his head in amusement, turning his face away from Shane’s to hide his smile.

* * *

Ryan kicked the door closed, arms full of the groceries Shane had made them stop for on their way home. Shane was already on his way to the kitchen, just as eager to drop the bags off as Ryan was.

Ryan didn’t actually know what Shane had gotten. They had split up once they’d gotten to the store, Shane sending Ryan off to grab the non-perishable items that they were running low on while he handled the food himself.

“It’s a surprise,” he had insisted, a small grin on his face that reminded Ryan of the times when Shane would taunt a spirit, regardless of how freaked out Ryan was. After the initial acceptance that Shane would get them killed had run its course through his system, it had always calmed him down to hear Shane treat them like a joke, making it seem less frightening than before.

He still didn’t like that smirk, though. It meant that Shane was about to do something that, overall, would help Ryan, but that Shane knew he would hate in the moment.

After Ryan had set his bags down on the table, Shane doing the same on their kitchen counters, they began to put everything away. Ryan quickly sorted between things that would go in the hall closet and things that needed to go in the bathroom, putting them into separate bags. He carried them down the hall, putting things in their proper places before returning to the table a few minutes later, where he was met with the sight of Shane standing over a pot on the stove.

Ryan’s brows furrowed in confusion. “What’re you _ doing_?”

Shane turned to look at him, a blank look on his face. “Witchcraft,” he deadpanned before lightly rolling his eyes. “I’m _ cooking, _ what does it _ look _like I’m doing?” he asked, sounding amused.

“Shane, it’s your _ birthday_,” Ryan complained. “Let me cook,” he insisted, even as the thought of making a meal made him feel a little queasy.

“Nope,” Shane said simply, in a tone that brooked no argument. “My birthday, my choice. Besides,” he continued, pulling a wooden spoon out of the drawer, “you don’t even know what we’re having.”

“I mean, you could _ tell _ me,” Ryan pointed out.

“I _ could_,” Shane acquiesced. “But where’s the fun in that?”

Ryan walked forward, wrapping his arms lightly around Shane’s middle. “The _ fun _is you getting to relax and let me treat you since I’ve been a pretty shit boyfriend the past few weeks,” he said, pressing a kiss to the back of Shane’s neck.

“You’ve been _ perfectly _fine,” Shane argued as Ryan pressed his forehead into the space between Shane’s shoulder blades. 

“That’s not what you said last night,” Ryan mumbled into Shane’s shirt.

He felt Shane’s body shake as he huffed out a laugh. “People usually use that in a _ much _ different context, you know.”

Ryan didn’t deign to answer him, instead lifting his head to peak into the pot.

“Are you making _ noodles_?”

The weight on his chest from earlier came back full force.

_ Oh God, that’s so many calories. _

Shane must have felt the way Ryan tensed against him because he set the spoon down and turned to face him. He felt Shane’s hand under his chin, gently tilting his head up. Ryan stared at him, eyes wide and fearful.

“Do you trust me?” Shane asked, looking like he was searching for something within Ryan’s face.

“I-” Ryan stuttered, almost pleading rather than answering.

“_Do you trust me?_” Shane implored, eyes never leaving Ryan’s.

“_Yes_,” Ryan whispered. “Of course.”

Shane brought his lips against Ryan’s sweetly, the unhurried pressure helping Ryan focus his breathing.

“Then trust me on this. Okay?” he asked as he pulled back a bit, meeting Ryan’s eyes once more.

Ryan nodded, feeling Shane’s hand caress his skin with the movement.

With a final kiss to Ryan’s forehead, Shane urged him out of the kitchen. “Why don’t you go wait in the living room while I finish this up?” he suggested kindly.

Ryan swallowed as he looked into Shane’s eyes. He tried to find anything that suggested that Shane might be annoyed or tired of him, but all he could see was how soft they were as Shane gazed down at him.

“Alright,” Ryan agreed quietly, trusting that Shane knew what he was doing.

As he sat on the couch for the next few minutes, thoughts raced through his head. He felt bad that Shane was being forced to do all the work on the day he was _ supposed _ to be able to take it easy, but Shane had seemed satisfied enough, almost _ eager _ when they’d split up in the store earlier. He also couldn’t stop the mantra of “_fuck fuck fuck, that’s so many carbs, how am I gonna make up for that, fuck_” that was playing over and over like a broken record. But at the same time, he was genuinely excited to sit down and spend time with Shane in a way that he _ hadn’t _ in what felt like so long. Then, that excitement blended into sickness at the thought of how big of a deal he was making out of this for something that Shane had clearly done for _ him_. He could’ve bought some vegetables and thrown together a salad and called it a day, but instead he was _ cooking_, spending time on this while Ryan sat on the couch paralyzed.

By the time Shane’s voice broke through his spiraling mind, Ryan felt like he was going to either throw up or fall apart.

“Dinnér, iz served,” Shane called in an overly exaggerated French accent. If Ryan’s heart wasn’t beating as fast as it was, he probably would have given his partner _ so _much shit for it.

Ryan stood up, heart pounding like a war drum that was heralding a coming battle. He took in a deep breath, trying to calm himself down when suddenly, hands covered his eyes. Ryan stumbled a little, accidentally backing into Shane’s firm body behind him.

“Shane, what-?”

“I said it was a surprise, didn’t I?” he said, sounding far too amused for Ryan’s taste.

Ryan decided to leave him without an actual answer as punishment.

“Just follow my lead,” Shane whispered in his ear. Ryan felt a shiver go up his spine at the feeling.

The two slowly walked toward what Ryan assumed was the kitchen table. They took each step together, Ryan trusting that Shane wouldn’t run him into anything as they moved.

Shane’s large hands stayed over Ryan’s eyes until Shane told him to reach out. Ryan did, carefully, and felt the back of a chair in his grasp.

“Sit down, but don’t open your eyes until I tell you to,” Shane instructed, his thumbs lightly brushing over Ryan’s eyebrows before withdrawing completely. Ryan was tempted to look just to spite the man, but he figured he would let Shane get away with it seeing as he hadn’t gotten him a present.

_ Congrats, you get me putting up with your bullshit this year_, Ryan thought wryly.

“What are you smirking for?” Shane asked from somewhere in front of him.

“Oh, nothing,” Ryan responded lightly, trying his best to look innocent. Shane snorted and shuffled around with something. Ryan was dying to look, but he behaved.

Finally, Shane’s voice sounded. “Okay, you can open them.”

Ryan blinked his eyes open to see Shane staring at him with a determined expression on his face. His eyes fell down to the table and the food spread out on it. 

Two plates of chicken alfredo stared back at him.

Ryan’s heart felt like it was going to drop and shatter and explode with joy and a thousand other things that hearts _ really _shouldn’t do.

“Bone apple teeth,” Shane said dryly when a few seconds had passed without Ryan saying anything.

“_Shane_,” Ryan said, his voice strangled and weak and sounding on the verge of tears. Which, to be fair, wasn’t too far off from the truth.

Ryan had told Shane once, back when they were still just friends and interns and only _ just _ getting to know each other, that chicken alfredo was one of his favorite meals. They’d been drunk on Shane’s couch after a long and grueling week, and Ryan had visited his parents the day before for dinner. His mom had made the dish for him, knowing exactly how stressed he was, and Ryan had mentioned to Shane, _ whispered _ it like it was a great secret, that it was his go-to comfort food. Every time he had it, it reminded him of his mom and spending time with her and his dad and Jake around the table when he was younger. Ryan had told him how she made it every year for his birthday, and how sometimes, when things got to be too much, he’d make a run to the store to grab the ingredients himself. His had never _ quite _ tasted the same as his mom’s, mostly because he used all the canned stuff, rather than making it from scratch, but it had helped and it always tasted _ good_.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had had it, now that he thought about it.

“I know it’s _ my _birthday and not yours,” Shane began, “but I figured the sentiment was the same.”

Ryan didn’t reply, not sure that he could get any words out without choking on them.

The smell was amazing, homey and comforting and delicious, and part of Ryan wanted to shove it into his mouth as fast as he could. But another part was thinking, _ I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t- _

Shane reached out and grabbed Ryan’s hand, like he had that morning. 

“Shane,” Ryan choked out at the touch. “This is-” _ so many carbs and calories and oh god, all that _ dairy _ \- _

_ Kind, thoughtful, more than I deserve… _

Shane rubbed his thumb gently over Ryan’s knuckles, soothing him more than Ryan could express.

“I know,” Shane said softly. And Ryan was pretty sure that he _ did_.

“I said I was going to help, and I _ meant _ that,” Shane started, eyes not leaving Ryan’s as his thumb continued its circular motions. “But I wanted to have _ this _ tonight first. The least healthy, most nostalgic meal I could think of. Tomorrow, we’re gonna start eating better. _ Both _ of us,” Shane said pointedly, accentuating the statement with a squeeze to Ryan’s hand. “I’m not going to order in, we’re going to buy _ actual _ vegetables and _ cook _ and you’re going to sit right across from me and eat enough that passing out from hunger isn’t even a _ possibility_,” he pressed, barely stopping for breath. “And I’m going to go with you to the gym and make sure you’re not overdoing it until we can find a trainer that works well with you and helps you through all of this.”

“But tonight,” he continued in a quiet voice. “We’re gonna eat some damn good pasta, if I do say so myself, and we’re not leaving this table until you’ve eaten everything on your plate. _ That’s _ what I want for my birthday.”

Looking at their two plates, Ryan could see that, just like with breakfast, Shane hadn’t really put that much on his plate. It didn’t even hold _ half _of what Shane’s did, and Shane hadn’t put a whole lot on his own plate to begin with, but the idea of eating all of it seemed impossible.

“Shane, I-” Ryan cut himself off briefly, before pushing the rest of the words out. “I already ate so _ much _ today, though, I-”

“Ryan, you ate two pieces of _ celery _ at lunch and tried to tell me you were full,” Shane argued. “I don’t think your definition of _ a lot _ and mine are in the same _ book_, let alone on the same _ page._”

Shane sighed, closing his eyes for a moment before he opened them again, almost looking like he was pleading with Ryan. “I know this is hard for you, I _ do_. But I can’t sit here and watch you wither away because of something your brain is telling you. I chose the alfredo because I know it’s something you _ love_, something that makes you _ happy_.” He gazed sadly at Ryan for a moment. “Food hasn’t been making you happy lately,” he whispered, “and I want to help you fix that. I want it to be something you _ enjoy _again, not something you avoid at all costs.”

“I knew going into this that you weren’t going to just _ magically _ have a change of heart just because I’m aware of what’s happening now,” Shane said softly. “And I knew that it wouldn’t be easy for you to eat all of this just because it _ tastes _ good. But that’s why I’m here; why I’m not _ leaving_. We’re going to get through this, Ryan, _ together_. One step at a time.”

Shane grabbed his fork, using it to pick up a single noodle. “One _ bite _ at a time.” He looked pointedly down at Ryan’s plate, the fork suspended in the air as he waited for Ryan to make his move.

Ryan shakily lifted his fork, the metal feeling heavier than any of the weights he’d been lifting the past month.

He stabbed through one of the noodles, bringing it up in front of him to match Shane’s stance. Shane slowly started moving the fork closer to his mouth, still watching Ryan. Ryan forced himself to bring the fork closer, telling himself that it was just _ one _ bite, that he would be fine. 

Shane took the bite, pulling the clean fork away from his lips but not yet chewing. Ryan realized then that Shane was serious about doing this with Ryan, moving at his pace, however slow that may have been.

Ryan swallowed, putting the fork in his mouth and closing his lips around it. 

The first thing that hit him was the queasy feeling that he had become so accustomed to once more. The feeling of _ wrong _ and _ too much _ and _ stop, you need to stop and spit it out _now-

The second thing that hit him was the taste of the sauce; not the same as his mother’s or Ryan’s, but still _ good_. Definitely better than his own because this was _ Shane_. 

Shane, who was ready to drop everything and turn his entire routine around at the drop of a hat for no other reason than because he thought it would help Ryan.

When he felt the tears well in his eyes, it was for a lot of reasons. But Ryan didn’t let them fall.

Shane began chewing a second after Ryan did. Swallowing felt like a bigger challenge than walking into a demon infested house, but he forced it down. Ryan stared at the plate for a moment afterwards. He knew it was all in his head, but he could almost feel the weight of the food as it traveled through his body. He felt a little sick, but the taste left him wanting more. That one bite had been enough to point out to his body what his mind had been denying for a while now. 

He was _ really _ hungry.

Shane sat patiently, not saying anything as Ryan worked through what his body and mind were debating over. After glancing up and seeing him there, so open and _ accepting_, Ryan made himself grab another small bite of the meal. He knew Shane had to be hungry too and he didn’t want to force the man to sit through the torture of having a meal in front of him but being unable to eat it.

As he took the next bite, Shane did the same.

It was slow going, and Ryan had to stop frequently in the beginning as his mind kept screaming at him all the reasons he _ shouldn’t _ be eating this, but soon he was more than halfway through the plate and lot steadier as he took each bite. He savored the flavor as he ate; it was the best meal he’d had in what felt like a really long time, and the fact that Shane had made it specifically for _ him _ made it that much sweeter.

Well. Not actually _ sweeter_, because chicken and pasta wasn’t really a dish that worked with _ sweet_, but whatever. It was the thought that counted, right?

As Ryan pushed some sauce around, delaying his next bite, he glanced up at Shane, who had briefly dropped Ryan’s hand to take a sip from the glass of water he had set next to his plate. Ryan’s own glass was almost gone.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly, breaking the silence that had fallen over them for most of the meal thus far. The feeling of his stomach turning had mostly calmed down, but it still rose up again every few bites or so. This seemed to be one of those unlucky bites.

Shane swallowed as he set his glass down again. “What are you sorry for?” he asked sincerely.

“Just… _ all _ of this, I guess,” he replied. “You’re stuck here, eating the slowest meal in the world when you could be out with friends or reading or a million other things, you’re changing your entire approach to life just for my sake when you shouldn’t _ have _ to-” Ryan cut himself off bitterly.

That was something that had been on Ryan’s mind the entire meal. Shane had said that they would start eating better, eating _ together_; that he would work out with Ryan, or at least physically go to the gym with him. Ryan knew exactly how much Shane enjoyed working out, which was not a whole lot. Shane enjoyed being with _ friends_, relaxing after work with someone he cared about, watching a show or a movie that they could talk about during and after, eating things that he knew he enjoyed or were new to him.

And Shane had said that he would give all of that up just so _ Ryan _could get his shit together.

“Ry, you know I love you.” He said it like a question, like he was waiting for confirmation, but Ryan knew that, for Shane, it was also a statement. 

Water was wet, apples fell due to gravity, and Shane loved Ryan.

“Yes,” Ryan replied, because Shane _ was _ waiting for an answer.

“And you know that I don’t let people force me into things that I really _ don’t _ want to do?”

Ryan’s lips tilted up a little. “I know.”

Shane nodded slightly. “That’s what this is,” he explained. “I don’t mind sitting here with you, eating _‘the world’s slowest meal,’”_ he repeated sarcastically, “because this is where I _want_ to be. I’m not _changing my entire life_ because I feel like I have to, I’m changing _aspects _of it to make things a little easier for someone I really care about. It’s not a _sacrifice_,” he stated. “It’s just me looking at what I can do to help and _doing _it.” The look Shane pined him with made Ryan think that Shane could see everything about Ryan and he kind of wanted to squirm, to escape that all-knowing attention. 

“You’re not forcing any of this on me,” Shane assured him. “_I’m _ the one who offered to make these changes because I _ want _ to. I want to do what I can to make this easier on you.” Shane’s face went from calm and open to smirking in an instant. “Besides,” he said airily, “this’ll probably help me to not _ die _ before I hit forty, so really I’m doing _ myself _ a favor here. _ And _ I’ll spend less money on food if we make meals at home, so that’s a double bonus for me.”

Ryan huffed out a small, _ sincere_, laugh. The way the Shane’s smirk turned more towards a smile told Ryan that that had definitely been his intent.

The rest of the meal passed a lot easier for Ryan. He still had to take a few breaks, feeling like he was going to be sick as he thought about _ how much he’d eaten, how much _ fat _ he’d just inhaled, how he hadn’t gone to the gym since yesterday morning, fuck- _

But every time he felt like he was going to fall apart, Shane was right there, helping him put himself back together again. He made Ryan laugh when he felt like he was about to cry; he made small talk when Ryan couldn’t bring himself to move forward quite yet; and every time he looked at Ryan, he felt like he was something precious. 

When Shane looked at him, gaze full of love and wonder, Ryan felt like he was safe.

As they laid in bed an hour later, Shane’s arms secure around him, Shane whispered into his ear. He told Ryan how _ beautiful _ he was, how _ strong _ and _ courageous _ and _ perfect _ until the pillow beneath Ryan was wet with his tears. He held Ryan as he shook, told him that he was proud of him and that everything was going to be okay, that they would do this together; that he wouldn’t leave Ryan for the world.

And Ryan believed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i deadass was interrogating lexie on how she makes alfredo the whole time i was writing this before realizing that i wasn’t even going to include it in the fic because that wasn’t what mattered here if that tells you anything about who i am as an author


	9. Epilogue

“What are you working on?” Ryan asked, setting a plate down on the coffee table in front of Shane as he took a seat beside him on the couch, his own plate in his hand.

“Wouldn’t _ you _like to know,” Shane retorted, closing his laptop and setting it aside.

“I swear, if it was your fucking hot dog thing,” Ryan threatened, leaving it hanging between them.

Shane’s all-too-innocent whistling made him groan. “_Shane_,” he whined.

“The people love it!” he countered. “I can’t leave them hanging like that!”

“Who the fuck are _ the people_?” Ryan demanded, taking a huffy bite of his side salad.

“The _ People_,” Shane insisted, “capital P.”

Ryan shook his head at his partner’s antics. “You’re _ such _a fucking dork.”

“Yeah,” Shane agreed, grinning at Ryan as he picked up his plate like the little shit he pretended he wasn’t. “But you love it,” he accused.

“I do _ not_,” Ryan argued. “That story is the worst thing you’ve _ ever _ done, and that’s saying a lot considering that it’s _ you_.”

“I have done quite a few things,” Shane said, nodding sagely.

The breath that Ryan let out was more of a laugh than a sigh, but he wasn’t going to clue Shane in on that fact. 

“So,” he said instead, “what are we watching?”

Shane’s eyes lit up. “Well, since we’re finished with Boston Legal, I’m gonna drop you right back into the world of sci-fi.” He changed to another input on the tv and Ryan saw the words _ Babylon 5 _ on the screen.

“You’re gonna love it,” Shane continued excitedly. “The first season’s a little slow sometimes, I’ll admit, but once it picks up, it _ picks up_, and a lot of the political stuff is _ freakishly _ relevant, even though this was made in the 90s, which _ really _doesn’t paint a good picture for humanity, to be honest-”

Ryan pressed a kiss to Shane’s lips, silencing him. “Can’t wait, big guy,” he grinned.

Shane blinked, lips curling into a smile as he stared at Ryan.

Ryan took a bit of the grilled chicken on his plate as Shane jumped up to grab them water. He settled into the couch as he waited. He was still a little sore from his workout yesterday, but the knowledge that he wasn’t going in again until Saturday morning made him relax a little. 

Granted, that just meant that he would have enough time to _ almost _ not be sore before the process started all over again, but that was life, he supposed.

He’d been at this gym for almost two months now and he loved it. The man he was working with knew how to push him in a way that _ actually _got results, and he’d even helped Ryan work out a dietary plan that would help him build up his muscle on the off days without any unwanted weight gain on the side. 

Shane had been thrilled when he found out that the occasional Taco Tuesday was included in that plan.

Ryan had bulked up a lot in the past few months, the weight _ actually _going to all the places he wanted it to for once. Shane had also gained a little more muscle on his arms and toned up his torso from the workouts he attended with Ryan once a week, but it was nothing on Ryan, who was now going three times a week and had the body to show for it. 

Of course, he’d still had a lot of days, especially in the first few months, where he’d broken down, hated the body that stared back at him whenever he passed a mirror, but Shane had made sure that Ryan knew he could talk to him and had gotten much better about spotting the signs himself. 

It had taken him a while, but for the most part, Ryan was _ happy _ with how he looked. He was doing well, physically _ and _mentally, and he was back to eating like he had when he’d first moved in with Shane.

He had to admit, though: their meals were a lot less processed now, which definitely helped whenever Ryan felt himself begin to slip. He was content now, for the most part, but he thought that there might always be days where his mind forgot that.

But he wasn’t alone with it anymore. When he slipped, there was someone to catch him and help him pull himself back up when he didn’t have the strength to do it on his own.

Shane came back in, setting the cups of water on the table in front of them as he picked his plate up and sat down again.

“Good?” he asked, remote in hand as he waited for Ryan’s answer.

Ryan smiled at him. “Good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have 100% seen and enjoyed every show or movie they mention in here, except for boston legal. i threw that one in for lexie

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading, it really does mean a lot.
> 
> feel free to leave a comment, no matter how small. i'm not kidding when i say they make my entire day!


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